The Commercialization of Commercials: Old Spice

By FORCH F. FORTIER

The right commercial can evoke the best response out of us all. We watch them, and maybe we use the product, maybe we don’t. But the memory of that commercial can live in our heads forever.

Take for instance, The Old Spice commercial entitled “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like”. This commercial is simple, yet brilliant, and to top it all off it’s visually impressive.

All it is, is a topless African American gentleman with a very deep and sexy voice is telling women to basically stop having their men use their personal “women scented” body wash, and switch to Old Spice so that they can smell like him.

All the meanwhile, he’s letting the women of the world know that their man is not him, but smelling like him is the next best thing to being him, and then using visual aids to sell the fact that using Old Spice body wash that anything is possible.

The timing of the commercial is perfect in its execution.

The actor does a tremendous job selling the product, and the commercial is all one take, which means that [I’m sure it took a number of takes, let alone the post production work] it has to be very fluid in its motion, which it is.

Does it make you want to use Old Spice Body Wash?

I know that it doesn’t make me use it, but I don’t use body wash, I use regular soap. Why? Because I love cleaning soap scum out of my shower.

Is this a commercial that you will remember 5 years from now?

Perhaps. I can see it running for quite a while, and since it’s not very offensive, and very comedic in its delivery, it can be played across a broad number of channels.

Is it funny?

After over 100 times seeing it, I still snicker, so yeah.

Commentary: Forchie's "Inconvenient Truth"

I really wish that I had more money. I miss the days where I would be able to walk into my local Comic Book Shop (Which honestly isn't that local, it's a 25-30 minute drive) and pick up all of my favorite books, because right now, for the collector who enjoys great stories, this is the time to pick up books.

Generally now, I wait for the Trade Paper Back (TPB) to come out, which collects a number of books together (Usually a series of back to back issues compiling a storyline of some sort) and then it gives me a chance to just have a book of the story I want to read, without the pressure of keeping books bagged and boarded, and still getting to enjoy comics. But I miss having those books.

Wednesday used to be a day where I would jump up with joy at new Comic day. I'd go in, find the latest issues of the books I read and rush home to read them, it was just awesome. It was one of the highlights of my week, and well, now it's been about 2 months since I last set foot in a Comic Book Store.

I'm saddened at the state that the world has taken. That someone like myself can't actually find a decent-paying job that would allow me to not only live a decent lifestyle, but thrive. Gone are the days where you can put in a 9-5 Monday to Friday lifestyle and get by. The average single person has to work at least 2 jobs to make ends meet, and these are normally full-time jobs, not a 20 hour work week, but two 40-hour jobs.

To me, that is just sad. Even couples don't have it any easier. That's why divorce rates are so high these days, not because of couples not wanting to be in love, but money. Money is the biggest problem facing every single person every single day. It's sad, but it's true, and because of the way that the world has gone to shit, we're slowly becoming a Third-world nation, which is good, because maybe some of these richer countries can start sending us aid, and our dollar can soon be so de-valued that big companies will start moving their business to here, instead of America's Heartland: Mexico.

I feel that it's time our Governments started to work for us instead of against us. I get the idea that more tax dollars bring in more money for social programs, but the fact is, how do you expect someone like myself, who's only source of income right now is Government assistance (Unemployment Insurance) to pay more tax, when I am using Government money to support myself (And I don't get enough to do that, hence I live at my parents' house) and I can't find a job that would pay me enough so that I can own a house, and be able to pay my bills? Your overtaxing the people as well as businesses have killed our countries to the point, where jobs have been moved to other countries, so they can make more money for themselves.

It's sad that when you look at it, a company can pay less building an item overseas and then spend the money to ship it to their consumer, than if they built said product in the country where it's utilized. "Made in America" or "Made in Canada" used to mean something. Now? It means "Assembled in Taiwan" or "Shipped from Indonesia" or better yet "Built by some guy who makes 10 cents on the dollar, because the company who makes this doesn't care about the consumer, only the money they make off of said consumer."

The world just sickens me some days, and this is one of the reasons.

I just want to be able to buy comics each week. Is that really so wrong?


By: Forch F. Fortier (Who can't believe the tangent that he went off of on this article, it was going to be about how he's saddened at the loss of one of his beloved Comic book Characters: Kyle Rayner, but instead it became a commentary on the economic crisis...)

Come get your stupid

Normally I'm not a ranter, not really anyway... I don't hold much to that school of communication... I suppose you'd say I'm more of a listener than talker most times. This time has got to be different. I'm fat. No way around it. I like food, I don't get out enough to exercise. I work in a job that doesn't promote moving around much.

So because of all these things I tend to eat out a lot. Lately I've been on an Arby's kick. It's been one of my guilty pleasures since I was young. I like the roast beef flavoured plastic, I like the Horsey Sauce, which tastes not entirely unlike horseradish.

And in the more recent years I like the Loaded Potato Bites.

The one thing I hate about Arby's is their Staffing / Hiring process. I mean I understand it's fast food not Political Science... But really, can I get my order right at least once when I go there.

To give an example of a standard order :

Fatman : Can I get 4 Regular Roast Beef Sandwiches, 2 orders of Loaded Potato Bites, and 2 Diet Cokes. ( ok now I understand how dumb it seems, to order all that fatty starchy food for 2 people, then order Diet Coke... I really do get it... )

Window Licking Moron at Cash : Uh huh, is that all..

Fatman : Yes that is everything.

Window Licking Moron at Cash : So that's all.

Fatman : Yup, that'll do it.

Window Licking Moron at Cash : Ok, so you wanted 4 regular roast beef, 2 loaded potato bites, and 2 diet coke. that'll be $xx.xx.

Fatman : Ok good.

Now here's where it all breaks down. He says the order into the microphone that I'm pretty sure was used by Nasa mission control in the Apollo era. And I'm sure I heard him say 4 Arby-Q sandwiches. Now I'd be cool with that, but my wife is not a fan of the Arby-Q, which is why I ordered the Regular. So I approach the WLM@C, and ensure he understands regular, not Arby-Q, he says yes and goes into the back...

Alright, so far so good. I head back to the car with my 2 bags of food and my tray with 2 drinks... So we drive away having forgot the cardinal rule of fast food. Check your bags before you leave.

So in the car and driving away I start to pull out the food, 1st sandwich -- Arby-Q. 2nd Sandwich -- Beef and Cheddar. 3rd Sandwich -- Beef and Cheddar. 4th Sandwich -- Double Roast Beef. 5th Sandwich -- Beef and Cheddar.

So I picked a fairly easy order, because really. I wanted to make sure we got something we could eat. And granted I got 1 more sandwich than I ordered, and almost everything I got would have cost more than what I ordered, but really?!? This is what passes for customer service?

On the plus side I did get both Loaded Potato Bites, but I got a diet Coke and an Iced Tea.

So a few lessons to be learned, always check your order before leaving the fast food restaurant of your choosing. Look your cashier in the eye if possible and gauge how likely you are to get what you order. Listen to what he tells the people in the back, or read the little screen if you can. Repeat your order and speak up if you think they got it wrong.

And remember : At Arby's you don't have to be stupid to work here, but it helps...

Commentary: Spaceballs... a Two-Star movie???

I've been putting off this article until I was in a pissed off enough mood, but it doesn't seem like I am going to get angry anytime soon, so please forgive me if my "rant" doesn't come off very "ranty" (is that even a word??)

So I, like many of you who read this am a fan of the movie "Spaceballs", and why not? It is a classic. I remember when I was 10 years old, in the summer of 1987, going to see it with my parents, my (then) 8-year old brother Joel and my (Then the coolest guy I knew... Who knew???) Uncle Craig. We were on vacation in Titusville, FL, and I was hooked.

I remember when we were kids, and we'd get Superchannel (Now, The Movie Network) free for a weekend, and I taped Spaceballs, and I damned near watched it every day. I must have worn that tape out. I swear, I have owned the VHS tape no less than 3 times (Why? Because Holly Gilmore stole my first one, and Gerry Meighan the second) I've owned the DVD twice as well. Why? Because it is one of the greatest films ever made!

The reason for the article itself, is because last week, Teletoon (The Canadian "Cartoon Network" for you American readers) aired Spaceballs late Thursday night. I didn't watch it, because I own it, why would I watch commercials with a movie I can watch anytime, commercial free? What pissed me off, was the fact that in the "Video Guide" Spaceballs is listed as (Get this...) a TWO-STAR MOVIE?!?!?

How the hell, does someone get off calling Spaceballs a Two-star movie (out of 5 stars)??? It just baffles my mind that a movie, with such a cult-following, yet still maintains mainstream recognition, could be given such a poor grade.

Given. Spaceballs is not Mel Brooks' best movie (In my opinion, that title goes to either "Silent Movie or "Blazing Saddles") but my generation loves Spaceballs. I remember my next door neighbor, Mike and I would watch it all the time, and he'd rewind the part where Dark Helmet does his "There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry!" rant, and he'd pause it, when you'd see Col. Sandurz look straight into the screen as it would pan-in, and move out of the way, before the camera ultimately hits Helmet in the face. Mike and I must have watched that part a million times, and every time, we'd still laugh our asses off.

Heck, even my ex-wife loves Spaceballs, and has watched it almost as many times as I have. Hell, I would have never asked her out, if it hadn't been for her telling me that Spaceballs was her "All-time" favorite movie. Ultimately, it's "Spaceballs" that is responsible for the very conception of my child! (No, it wasn't the sex), so how can I ever hate Spaceballs?

For those of you who have never seen Spaceballs, FOR SHAME!!! This is one of celluloid's greatest comedies, and if you can't take 1 hour and 36 minutes out of your busy day to watch one of the funniest film parodies ever made, then you really need to re-evaluate your life, because quite frankly you're missing out.

But whoever is responsible for putting that travesty of a rating in the Digital Cable guide, you're on "The List", and if I ever see you put a rating like that to something like "Back To The Future", rest assured, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, and I truly mean that.

By: Forch F. Fortier (Who reminds you to visit your local Wal-Mart today and pick up the Mel Brooks collection, it's like $50 and you get 8 of his movies, including: Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein and History of the World Part I, how can you go wrong??? You can't! So go out there and get it, and pick up Spaceballs as well, it's like $14.97 every day! Trust Wal-Mart!)

Twilight: How The Hell Can Edward Afford a $30,000 Vehicle???

I've always been a fan of "Product Placement". I think that if a company can get their product inside the film, more power to them. I always laugh at companies who put their product into a TV show/Movie that the core audience would never (in a million years) purchase said product. Say for example, Hmmmm, I dunno... Volvo being prominently featured in the upcoming movie: "The Twilight Saga: New Moon".









Now first off, I'm sure that it's obvious that I am not a fan of Twilight, or honestly Vampires in general. I feel that the Genre is far-too overplayed and an original idea hasn't been presented since "Once Bitten" came out in 1985 (And I hope you realize I am being sarcastic there). The idea behind "Bloodsuckers" and "Creatures of the night" are about as appealing to me, personally as a swift kick to the testicles by a placekicker wearing an iron boot.

So Volvo (Boxy, but good) has taken it upon themselves to sponsor the new Twilight movie. And kudos to them. Nothing says "Pre-teen who can't drive" like a new Volvo XC60! I mean honestly, first off, most of the people who are into those books/films are about the age of 13-21 and female. In all honestly, how many of them would be caught dead behind the wheel of "Their Own" Volvo. Usually it's Mom's Volvo (Station wagon) that they're driving. I can't see a surge in Volvo sales because of this movie (even though we all know that "The Lemming Effect" will be huge for this movie!)


I mean, first off the Volvo XC60's Sticker price (For the BASE model) is $32,995 (U.S. funds). We're in the middle of this "Economic Crisis", and I doubt an 18-year old vampire can afford a "Higher End" vehicle (unless his undead parents are good with money, and have secure jobs!), and I have never made $32,995 in a single year (With the exception of 2000, when I worked 2 jobs at once, and worked like 60hr a week throughout the summer!). I think that it would be a hell of a lot more realistic to see Edward driving a 2001 Chevy Cavalier, or if it's a new car, maybe a 2004 Kia Rio LXV (Which is the worst car anyone can ever own, ask Trevor, he's ridden in one with me!) The idea of anyone under 20, without visible income owning a $30,000 vehicle is so unrealistic. Unless he, of course is classified as dead and had a heck of an insurance policy.

Until then, I'll just continue to drive my 2001 Dodge Caravan SE....


By: Forch F. Fortier (Who reminds you that the 2010 Dodge Caliber is #1 in customer satisfaction among 32 year old unemployed men who live in their parents' basement. Its value surpasses that of the Kia Rio and the Chevy Impala in every test! So for my money, it's the Dodge Caliber!!! And if you get one now, you'll probably get some nice dealer incentives on the purchase or lease of a new Caliber or any of the fine products Dodge has to offer.)

I Could Think Of A Lot Better Ways To Spend Half a Billion Dollars!

It's Monday. And I am checking out my favorite geek websites and I come across an article at "denofgeek.com about James Cameron's (Yes, that James Cameron) latest cinematic opus Avatar


Official Trailer for the Film Avatar.

Now, within the article, it states that Cameron's new film was featured in the New York Times, as having cost $500,000,000 to make. You read correctly. A Half of a Billion Dollars. Which begs the question. Does this movie have a snowball's chance in hell of turning a profit?


Now undoubtedly, James Cameron (Who grew up less than 20 minutes away from me.) is probably one of the most profitable film directors ever. In fact, I don't think any of his "Blockbusters" have failed in the monetary sense (With the exception of: The Abyss, of course). He does have the Highest Grossing Film of all time Title in his possession, (A Title that he has had for 11 years now) with "Titanic" (A Film that I have only seen once, and refuse to see again. I paid $1 to see it), Cameron undoubtedly has a lot of clout, but to bankroll a picture that costs that much money? Ouch! I was under the impression that we were in an economic downturn here!





Just to give you an idea of how much this movie has to make in order for it to turn a profit, just look at all of the movies this one has to beat in USA box office receipts just to "Make Money". Not withstanding that the film will probably do well overseas as well, if we just took the US (Which honestly, is the measuring stick for cinema) alone and saw what it was up against, the odds are staggering that "Avatar" will generate that kind of money. Especially because the Trailer itself, while visually stunning, shows a movie that seems, at best, quite predictable.

"Avatar" has to beat out films like: Star Wars, E.T., Spider-Man, Jurassic Park and The Lord of the Rings movies, just to turn a profit. Wow. James Cameron really likes adversity if this is the case.


Now I know that the movie itself isn't expensive due to casting, because there aren't any "Bankable" stars in the film. The biggest of the names in the film has to be Sigourney Weaver, and she's not such a big star that she can draw in a half billion in ticket sales. Her biggest success was #70 in the highest grossing films of all time, and that was for a small role as the "Ship's Computer" in WALL-E, other than that, she hasn't cracked even the top 150. Leading the March, is the star of the film, Sam Worthington, who's coming off of a lot of Jeers in "Terminator Salvation" (Forch Rating: 7/10) a movie that I enjoyed, but many didn't. Zoe Saldana, who played Uhura in the Star Trek reboot earlier this year (Forch Rating: 9.75/10) stars as well in a completely CG-role. The only other "Recognizable" names in the film are CCH Pounder (Amanda Waller from the Justice League Cartoons), Giovanni Ribisi and Michelle Rodriguez (Who hopefully was sober during filming, since she played a pilot).

Now Mr. Cameron has gone on record as saying: "Budgets may plunge, but I have already told the studio executives, 'I don't care if the highest-budgeted film of the year costs just $2m - as long as I'm the one making that motherf**ker, I'm happy'." which I love. That's a ballsy comment, and you gotta respect that! (Even though I don't respect him for making Titanic!) But you have to ask yourself: If that is his opinion, why does he need $500,000,000 to make a movie?

"Avatar" opens December 18th.


By: Forch F. Fortier (Who reminds you that Terminator 2: Judgement Day was probably the best Cameron film of all time, but Aliens is much more fun. I still always like to yell out "GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!" because it's one of the best movie quotes of all time!)

Dear Obsessive Fans of Zombies,
Piss off

Thanks,

Trevor









Ok, maybe thats the wrong way to say it. To those of you voodoo folks, who follow the traditional spiritual belief system and zombies being people controlled and used as labourers by powerful sorcerers ... fine. I've got no beef with you. Even though science for once works with a religious belief to prove the existence of your Zombi, I won't pick fights over that.

No I'm referring to the George Romero worshippers. First let me say, I'm well aware that this is NOT the first film of this style, there were dozens of movies released following a similar premise. Night of the Living dead, released in 68, was the progienator of the zombie apocalypse theory that has been repeated so many times, its starting to make me worry. Can no one come up with something actually nerve wracking, like talking trees, chickens taking over the planet, or more Terminator movies.


Now in doing some research in to the apocalypse theory, 3 common factors come to bear when dealing with Zombies in literature/film/gaming. Below each I will simply input my suggestion for ways to prevent this, that rational people will be able to handle.

1. Zombies, whatever form they take, are unprecedented in the setting of the story; the event that created them is unknown or has never happened before and it is not generally known how to effectively suppress them. The zombies cannot be controlled easily with available technologies.
~ This sort of a scenario would never be able to effectively occur in our society. Due to cynisism being transformed into a virtue, everyone already fears the worst about others and routinely keeps their distance. If anyone were to slowly shuffle towards me with an arm missing, dead eyes, or blood running from everywhere, my first though would not be "I wonder if they're ok". You might shout that first, but I personally think it'd be more akin to "Holy Fuck, I need to find a stick to smack this thing across the head" Most sane adults have seen enough bleak shit in their life to understand what is happening around them. Look at office or postal workers ... nowadays they know when shit's gonna hit the fan.

2. Initial contacts with zombies are extremely traumatic, causing shock, panic and disbelief and possibly denial, hampering survivors' ability to deal with hostile encounters.
~ While it is entirely possible that these reactions would be commonplace, the first several (shock and panic) go hand in hand with the traditional human survival mechanism, fight or flight. Now I'm not sure about you, but if I were to watch someone getting ripped apart by a horde of shuffling moaners, I'm not going to stand around. I'm going to high-tail it, looking for a place with thick doors. Now being a person of scientific reasoning, I would surely think of the latter two reactions of disbelief/denial and I'm sure others would as well. This, however, can easily be cured by the fusion of a firm open hand and the face of the disbelieving/denying imbecile. Problem solved, move along.

3. The response of authorities to the threat is slower than its rate of growth, giving the zombie plague time to expand beyond containment. This results in the collapse of the given society. Zombies take full control while small groups of the living must fight for their survival.
~ This logic pisses me right the hell off, to be honest. This is basically stating that the people that we pay with our taxes are too fucking dimwitted to realise that people are going batshit nuts and trying to eat people, which in turn is causing them to go batshit nuts and try to eat people. Are you serious? Has our respect for law enforcement or military service men and women dropped that far??? Now I'm not suggesting we use the swine flu as an example of government response time, but in a time of emergency, military/police forces can mobilize in minutes, trained men and women specializing in dealing with dangerous situations. So sure the governments may not be too speedy in getting the ball rolling, however, we live in an age of information. Most people that I know of, as soon as they wake up, will be connected to some form of news, whether it be via TV, radio, or internet, and considering that even if local services are not available, international more than likely will be, not alot of folks will be caught in the dark, even if politicians are sitting with their thumbs up their asses.

Now lets take this a step farther and talk about the weapon of choice arguement. Most people with the slighest survival instincts, will have some form of weaponry in their home. Whether it be as simple as a baseball bat or something further along like a gun, most people I know of have some form of armament in their homes. Now couple this with the knowledge available and this more or less will put the zombie apocalypse out of business.

Now upon further reading into the subject I stumbled across this golden coil of dog shit stating: According to a 2009 Carleton University and University of Ottawa epidemiological analysis, an outbreak of even Night of the Living Dead's slow zombies "is likely to lead to the collapse of civilization, unless it is dealt with quickly. (http://www.mathstat.uottawa.ca/~rsmith/Zombies.pdf)

I read through this, laughing my ass off at the various means in which these doctoral students attempted to rationalize a spreading pattern of outbreak, through assorted means and equations, missing the desire for survival coupled with the instinct of the Susceptibles labelled therein. Not to mention, military firepower, police firepower and local militia firepower, in addition to the aforementioned Susceptibles. I appreciate the effort folks, but take those other variables into account before you make more panicky dimwits more panicky and dimwitted.

Anyways, I'm going to quote someone much funnier than myself here. In his Left4Dead review, Ben Crowshaw made the following observation: "I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs."

Why is it that people don't concern themselves with the possibility of an army of sexy asses attacking from someplace that we don't understand.










In an interview with Ain't it Cool News, The Zombie Survival Guide author Max Brooks commented on the fans of zombie apocalypses: "I don't know what's scarier, the fact that zombies could rise or the fact there are actually people out there that can't wait for it to happen. So they can just start loading up with guns and get on their motorcycles..." Written as a joke, interpretted seriously.


I guess now he knows how the first interpreters of the Decalogue felt when they read it aloud
Reader #1 "Ok the rest seem to make sense, how does number ten pan out"
Reader #2 "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife nor shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor"
Reader #1 "Wait, what? So it says that I'm not allowed to think my neighbors wife is hot? Or wish my cows were as healthy as his. That has to be a mistake. Maybe you translated it wrong"
Reader #2 "Nope. Thats what it says."
Reader #1 "Well, fuck it, its almost lunch time. Lets just leave it there, I doubt anyone will believe it anyways."

Well enough of the blasphemy for one day, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway world, which sure sounds like a great movie ... yes thats it. In closing, I'll leave you with the words of wisdom the Forch gave to me ... there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about.

Remember, Remember the Fifth... errrr. Sixth of November....

So November 5th passed once again, and once again, the British Parliament is still standing. So Guy Fawkes failed yet again. And speaking of Guy Fawkes (well, sort of) I have decided to take today's diatribe, and dedicate it to the man who taught me about Guy Fawkes, and the Gunpowder Treason....

That Man, is Alan Moore.

Moore is a comic-book innovator. That goes without saying. He has written some of the most influential stories in comic book history. Most notibly: Watchmen and V For Vendetta. Many a comic book writer has cited Moore as one of their biggest influences in their career choices.

So, you'd think that Moore would be gracious and kind toward his brethren?

Not a chance.

Alan Moore is a Bitter Old Crank!

There. I said it.

I love Moore's work, but my respect for the man has been dwindling for a number of years, but more so in the last year. It started with the Theatrical release of the movie "Watchmen" (Forch Rating: 8.5/10). Moore stated that he would have no part in seeing the film at all, mainly because adaptations of his work (Most notibly: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) being terribly translated to the Big Screen. Now I understand this. When you invest so much of yourself into something, and see someone's personal adaptation of it, you may not get the same feelings, because people interpret things differently. I get that. But to go public and bash the people who are basically paying tribute to you, is disrespectful and just plain rude!

When Watchmen was released, it was praised by fans of the book as being the closest thing to a near-literal adaptation of a book ever. Because it was. With the exception of a few main items (Which actually made things a little more believable... Giant Squid??? Come on, Alan.) Watchmen was a visual masterpiece, and if I had created that world, and saw it on the big screen, I'd be moved. Zack Snyder paid tribute to Moore better than anyone could, and Moore will never know... Dave Gibbons knows.

So getting to the point, and reason of my rantings today. This is something that I read long ago, and was going to do a "Forch'N Telling" on it for my former Radio show, but that never came to be. Moore was quoted as saying the following, on "Blackest Night" Which is a DC Comics mega-event, which the genesis of it came from a short story Moore did about 30 years ago in a Green Lantern Annual (I believe).


"I was noticing that DC seems to have based one of its latest crossovers in Green Lantern based on a couple of eight-page stories that I did 25 or 30 years ago. I would have thought that would seem kind of desperate and humiliating, When I have said in interviews that it doesn’t look like the American comic book industry has had an idea of its own in the past 20 or 30 years, I was just being mean. I didn’t expect the companies concerned to more or less say, “Yeah, he’s right. Let’s see if we can find another one of his stories from 30 years ago to turn into some spectacular saga.”

What an arrogant asshole!

Mr. Moore, honestly? I think that you're the only one keeping yourself in the public eye. It's not like you're coming out with anything at this time that is ground-breaking or original. All people hear from you is your excessive whining and palaver about how people are ripping off your books, and I imagine that you're not even reading them, because you're too proud!


Geoff Johns (Writer of virtually ever DC Comics book) has done a top-notch job of taking a short story that you wrote, taking the premise (And nothing LITERAL from it, other than the IDEA) and went with it! He grabbed the ball and made a tremendous storyline from it, that has been ongoing for 5 years now! That's what I call a writer. He took a small, piddly little idea that you had, and expanded it at least 100x over! Yeah. He stole that idea. He ripped you off. Come on, are you that arrogant that you can't give credit where credit is due?

Did you actually coin the term "Blackest Night"??? I honestly don't think so. If I recall correctly (Ahem, Sarcasm, Ahem), isn't the term "Blackest Night" used in the Green Lantern Oath??? Let me Check!

" In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship evil's might,
Beware my power... Green Lantern's light! "

Wow. Did you write that?


You complain about how people are sell-outs and stealing your ideas, which is funny, because what about this picture? Wasn't that you on the Simpsons??? That's probably the biggest sell out for anyone in the geek world? Not bashing you for it, honestly. I don't blame you, but where do you get off criticizing other people in the industry? You're going to lose that respect and admiration eventually if you keep it up...

Look at Stan Lee. People worship him. And why? Because not only is he the creator of some of the most pivotal characters in comics, but he respects the business, and gives credit, where it is due! Stan Lee will be immortalized forever because of that. He's a genuinely nice guy, where you come off as a pompous ass!

Remember, remember what I had to say on the Sixth of November, Alan...


By Forch F. Fortier. (Who reminds you that while Dr. Manhattan can turn anything into anything else, Forch has the power to turn anything into awesome! And Watchmen is an awesome movie, I just wish that Alan Moore wasn't too proud to realize that!!!)

15 Things You Need To Make a "Top Notch" Teen Comedy Movie!!!

Last night, I was up late and I could not sleep. So I decided to tune into The Movie Network and on one of the 5 stations that TMN has, there before me was probably one of the worst and most formulaic "Teen Comedies" ever made. The movie was: "Sex Drive".

Now it wasn't the worst Teen Comedy that I have ever seen (That would have to be: .Say It Isn't So), and I admit, I am somewhat a fan of the genre (I know, I really should be ashamed of myself) and the one thing that I have found, upon examination of the more widely known films of this type, is that there is a certain "Same-ness" of each one.

So I decided to take it upon myself to come up with a script for my own Teen Comedy, so before I start, I need to do my research and come up with all of the elements I need to make a Successful film.

1. Your main character has to be someone who's a lovable loser who can't land the woman of his dreams.

Case in Point: Jim Levenstein (American Pie). Jim wasn't a loser in the sense that he had no friends, however he was enough of a loser that he couldn't get a chick to touch his crotch, even if he had a $100 bill caught on his zipper. He had an obsession/crush (Whatever you want to call it) on Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth) who was well out of his league (As well, as a Jew, I am sure that Czechoslovakians aren't "kosher" in the dating world) and he should never be able to score in a million years. So this unattainable woman would be the goal for the protagonist in the story.

Virtually every Teen Comedy has an example of this lovable loser....

2. The main character has a close-knit group of friends, who often give him bad advice, or hinder his goals unintentionally.

Case in Point: Josh Parker (Road Trip). Josh had 3 really good friends at his school, Ithaca College: E.L. (Seann William Scott), Rubin (Paolo Costanzo) and Barry (Tom Green). All three of them convince Josh to cheat on his girlfriend, because they're certain that he's cheating on him. Then after taping the act of cheating on Tiffany (Josh's Girlfriend), Rubin accidentally mails the very tape to Tiffany, instead of the one that was supposed to be sent to her. E.L., the most irresponsible of the bunch (Casted brilliantly) of course convinces Josh to intercept the tape at her college, which is over 2000 miles away in Austin, TX, and of course, hilarity ensues. The trip is of course met with hilarious "Over the top" situations which delay Josh, all because of his friends.

Road Trip is one of those few examples where it's not as much a "TEEN" comedy as much as it's a College Comedy (Not much difference, really)

3. One of the friends has to be either a huge perv, or an all-out sexual deviant.

Case in Point: Steve Stifler (American Pie). First off, any role played by Seann William Scott usually involves him dishing out a lot of sexual innuendo. Stifler was the foil, mainly to Jim (The Protagonist) throughout the film. Going as far as to convince Jim to set up his webcam to video Nadia changing in his bedroom, when they were set to study together. Stifler could possibly be considered the "Antagonist" of the first film, but not really. He's that one "Shit-disturber" friend that everyone has, that you can't help but love, because what they represent is morally reprehensible, however they do it with such panache.

Seann William Scott is the one-true icon of this Character, all others really pale in comparison!

4. The main character's parents are either too embarrassing or overbearing .

Case in Point: Mrs. Bruce (Detroit Rock City). Clearly the main antagonist of the film. Mrs. Bruce was an overbearing "Christian" woman who does everything to keep her son down. Announcing on the P.A. during class about finding his friend's jacket, with KISS tickets, and going as far to burn the tickets in front of him, at the school, none the less (Another validation of point 2). It sets the plot in motion, as of course the hijinks and hilarity ensue, as Jeremiah, Lex, Hawk and Trip (Again a close-knit group of friends) win (at least they think they do) tickets to KISS at Cobo Hall in Detroit, and the Road Trip Begins!

Lin Shaye's performance in Detroit Rock City is probably her best performance. As a life-long fan of KISS, I have to say that if my mother ever did that to me, I'd have never, EVER talked to her again!

5. ROAD TRIP!!!

Case in Point: Scott Thomas (Eurotrip). After he realizes that the German Pen Pal, Mieke, is actually a girl and that she actually cared alot about him. Scott takes it upon himself to travel to Germany, his friend Cooper (The Sexual Deviant friend) decides to tag along to experience freaky European sex. They meet up with Twins (And the completion of the group of friends equivalent): Jenny and Jamie who all travel throughout Europe, so that Scott can finally meet Mieke in person, and apologize to her, (because he told her off, thinking that she was a dude) and win her over.

One thing about Eurotrip I always love is the Soundtrack. Especially "Scotty Doesn't Know" Which even like 5 years later is a catchy tune!!!

6. Plenty of underage drinking.

Case in Point: Superbad. The whole movie is an advertisement for underage drinking. That's pretty much the entire plot! Pretty much every teen comedy involves kids (usually under 21, or High School age at best) getting wasted, or at least they're at a party where others are. Seth, Evan and Fogell/McLovin, (The group of friends) throughout the first 1/2 of the movie are trying to get booze for the party that's being held at Jules' house. Of course things never work out as planned and that's where hilarity ensues!

Superbad was one of those movies that, I believe extends itself past the genre of Teen Comedy (Thanks, Judd Apatow) but it's nowhere near the hilarity of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Apatow's finest movie EVER!

7. You and your best friend have a falling out, only to make up by the end of the movie.

Case in Point: Seth and Evan (Superbad). During the course of their night's objective of getting booze for the party as they promised, Seth and Evan have a "spat" regarding the events that had transpired during the earlier party they crashed (And subsequently stole booze from), and later on in the film when officers Slater and Michaels (Brilliantly played by Seth Rogen and Bill Hader) crash Jules' party, Seth is seen carrying Evan away from the party to prevent the overly intoxicated friend from getting arrested. After returning back to Evan's house, the duo re-establish their "Bromance" and all is well once again in Superbadland.

8. The main character has a sibling, and that sibling is everything he is not (ie: cool, popular) and the sibling does everything to bring the character down, until the end.

Case in Point: Rex Lafferty (Sex Drive). Rex (Played perfectly by James Marsden) is the older brother of Ian (The Protagonist) and delights at making Ian's life a living hell. He's a jock, drives a 1969 Pontiac GTO "Judge" and belittles Ian's life. Constantly accusing Ian of being gay, and doing whatever he can to make Ian feel small. Ultimately, Ian steals Rex's car, to go on a Road Trip (See: Point #5) to Knoxville, TN to meet some girl he's been chatting with online to have sex with. (See: Point #1 - The Main Character). Rex eventually catches up with Ian and his friends Felicia and Lance (See: Point #2 - Friends) and confronts Ian, only to have a change of heart, and let him use "The Judge" to get laid. By the end of the film, Ian and Rex have a more stable relationship, with Rex now coming out of the closet, admitting that he was gay all along.

James Marsden is one of those guys I have a love/hate relationship with. He's a total douche in the X-Men movies, but he's classic in this one!!! I think that he rules in comedy, it's when he's serious that I find he lacks.

9. If you're not going to go with the "Road Trip" option, you have to make the climax of the film take place at a Dance or Social Gathering.

Case in Point: The Centennial Dance (Drive Me Crazy). By this scene in the movie Nicole Maris (Melissa Joan Hart) and Chase Hammond (Adrian Grenier) have had their "Friendship Spat" (See: Point #7) and Nicole has gone to the dance with Chase's friend, Ray. Of course, both characters have now realized that they love one another, and not the people they were trying to make jealous by pretending to date one another. Chase arrives in grand fashion, making a spectacle of himself and securing the love of Nicole once and for all!

Drive Me Crazy is one of my "Guilty Pleasure" movies. In all honesty, it's one that I should really hate with a full nuclear arsenal, however it's one I actually enjoy. It's just like Mannequin... But not Mannequin 2: On The Move.

10. Your main character ultimately falls in love with his best female friend, or the woman that he "Never noticed until now".

Case in Point: Ryan Woodman and Maggie Carter (Whatever It Takes). Ryan is obsessed with Ashley Grant (See: Point #1), but she is far too unattainable for him. Chris Campbell is a popular jock, who happens to be cousins with Ashley. So Chris and Ryan make a deal, that Chris will help Ryan win Ashley in exchange for helping Chris win over Maggie. The problem is, is that over time, Ryan realizes how shallow and superficial Ashley is, and grows miserable. He then starts to develop feelings for Maggie, and things take a turn for the worse, when he realizes that Chris' intentions are not very Noble. Ryan tries to tell Maggie about all of this, which leads them to a friendship "Spat" (See: Point #7) Ultimately, Ryan wins over Maggie, the girl he never noticed (Even though they were next door neighbors and best friends forever) until now.

11. One of the Parental Units of the main character has to be someone who's a well-known comedic actor.

Case in Point: Jeffrey Tambor (Eurotrip). This is the case with almost all Teen Comedies. You have to cast someone reasonably well-known as one of the parents, because normally the stars of the film are not so well known. It's also meant as a way for the "Older" crowd (Older being my age, 32) to be able to relate to the characters more, through the parents. Classic examples of this sort of casting are: Eugene Levy (American Pie), Julia Sweeney (Whatever It Takes), Dan Aykroyd (Loser), J.K. Simmons (Juno), Swoosie Kurtz and Ed Bagely Jr (Get Over It), Catherine O'Hara (Orange County) and the always hilarious Jane Lynch (Sleepover).

Now, I am not saying that I am old, but I always think that it's funny that when I watch a Teen Comedy with a friend who's not really into movies all that much, I find myself saying: "Oh well he was in this/he was in that." And of course, the friends (and you know who you are) look at me like I just farted.

12. There always has to be some sort of a "Gross Out" Scene somewhere in the movie.

Cases in Point: a) (American Pie) Jim having sex with the Apple Pie. b) (Sex Drive) Ian with his "Jerk off" sock missing the hamper, and his future Step-mom slipping on it. c) (Superbad) The "Period Blood" on Seth's pants d) (Eurotrip) Jenny and Jamie (Twin siblings) making out while drunk. And Finally: e) (National Lampoon's Van Wilder) The "Cream Pastry" scene ('Nuff Said).

The Gross-out scene seems to have become a Staple in the Teen Comedy. However it's gotten to the point where it's gross, simply for the sake of being gross. I find that the best way to put gross stuff in a film, is to add a semblance of intelligence to it. That's what made movies like "Porky's" such a classic!

13. The main character has to get in at least one situation, where they're embarrassed in front of a group of people, or over the internet.

Case in Point: (Once again) Jim Levenstein (American Pie). At the urging of Stifler and Kevin (who are watching the webcam hookup in Jim's room), Jim goes back to his room, where Nadia is masturbating, looking at his collection of porn. Jim goes back, and starts to caress her, and he climaxes prematurely. The webcast (Which wasn't coined at the time, 1999) was then accidentally sent to everyone's e-mail at the school, much to the chagrin of Jim.

There are so many scenes like this in every Teen Comedy, nowadays, in fact the inspiration for this post, Sex Drive had like 3 in it....

14. The main character falls in love with the girl who lives next door.

Cases in Point: Nicole Maris and Chase Hammond (Drive Me Crazy), Matthew Kidman and Danielle (The Girl Next Door), and Ryan Woodman and Maggie Carter (Whatever It Takes). It's safe to assume that if your best friend is the opposite gender from you, and she lives next door, well then chances are that is who you're going to fall in love with. At least these three examples should tell you that.

Now of course, this is nothing like it is in real life. First off, when I was a teenager, the people next door had two sons, and we were actually like third cousins, the couple on the other side of our house, the dude is such a douche, in the 15 years they have been there, I have never said a single word to him... What does that tell you???

15. In the end, the bad guy gets his, and the main character lives happily ever after!.

Case in Point: Practically EVERY Teen Comedy, EVER! Just Look!: (The Girl Next Door) Matthew Kidman ends up with Danielle, he has enough money to go to Georgetown University (Thanks to his sex-ed/porn film)... (Can't Hardly Wait) Preston Meyers finally gets to talk to Amanda Beckett after she finally reads his letter, and they kiss, just as he's about to head out on a train for a pre-college workshop... (Encino Man) Dave Morgan wins the heart of Robyn Sweeney, he has the killer post-prom party in his freshly dug pool, and Link (Brendan Fraser's definitive performance) find the cavewoman of his dreams, thawed out in the tub...

So as you can see, the Teen Comedy isn't exactly complicated, it's all really down to 15 different elements. Follow them, and get a studio to provide you with about a $10 Million dollar budget, and you too can produce a profitable film that will delight moviegoers for generations to come!


By: Forch F. Fortier (Who wants the world to know that his Teen Comedy is going to involve a cameo by David Tennant, as the quirky Principal of the High School, and have TV's Richard Hatch (The Battlestar Galactica Actor, not Survivor Contestant) as the main character's father! By The Way, Richard Hatch, I want a rematch on our Thumb-wrestling match from Wondercon 2008! You're going down, Apollo!!!)

News: Finally! Some Good News For Heroes!!! (Monday Night Ratings)

Jayma Mays' return to Heroes helped to boost the show's ratings, overnight viewing figures show. Which is about time, because Heroes (As Mentioned before....) is looking like it might be on its last legs...

Last night's episode, which saw Hiro travel three years into the past to try to save Charlie from the hands of Sylar, pulled in 6.2m for NBC in the 8pm hour - the best figure for season four so far. The previous high of 6m was achieved in the 'Redemption' opener. So what does this mean for Heroes??? Maybe that the series' fans are clamoring for more of what made the first season so great! (I know that this is my opinion!)

After Heroes, NBC scored the following with: Trauma and The Jay Leno Show logged 6.2m and 4.3m at 9pm and 10pm respectively.


However CBS (My personal favorite network for Monday night programming) did much better than NBC, with How I Met Your Mother and Accidentally On Purpose put in 9.1m and 8.5m for CBS during the 8pm hour, then 13.6m watched Two And A Half Men at 9pm. The Big Bang Theory followed at 9.30pm with 12.7m.

Over on ABC, a two-hour episode of Dancing With The Stars managed 16.2m at 8pm, then 9.7m tuned in for Castle at 10pm.

One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl interested 2.4m and 1.9m for The CW at 8pm and 9pm respectively.

Fox's coverage of the World Series Game 5 averaged 17.1m between 8pm and 11pm.
Related articles. Let's just hope that the Yankees don't win, because I seriously will barf out my lungs if they do... (Crossing fingers.... Go Phils!)

So what does this mean for NBC? That means they placed fourth place of five networks. Not good at all. Heroes used to be a ratings powerhouse, and now it isn't. CBS clearly has the best Monday night lineup. (Lord knows I was tuned in non-stop for the three hour stretch 8-11pm)


By Forch F. Fortier (Who believes that if Sheldon Cooper ran the world, it would be a much better place. Things would be in order, people would have regular bowel movements, and everyone would wear two shirts, always... (Something that Sheldon and I have in common.) Oh what a world that would be! NOW MOVE! You're in my spot!)