Video Games that Inspire Smut

Video Games that inspired Porn. Its hard to say that sentance without chuckling at least a little. But yes, lo and behold, since the uprising of the geek and their attemps to claiming their inheritance (that being the earth ... duh), a wellspring of smut has spawned out from under a rock, much like some of the nerds themselves.

Now a lot of people will think I'm talking out of my ass, and in this instance I don't really blame you. But no, it is 100% truth, and I know 'cause I've seen it.

I'm not quite sure when this whole fad started, more than likely would have to be in the last ten years or so, but it has not only grown, its exploded. Now the following stuff may shock and horrify you semi-nerds or religious folks, but its my article and I'll be damned if I'm not posting it on account of you, mom.

I never paid much attention to what was going on in porn, as far as acting or talking or story arcs or subplots, but one day on a whim, thinking on how clever I was, I typed into google the phrase "World of Whorecraft" with a giggle. Well, sure as shit, it comes back, not only with pictures, but a full series of 10 initial episodes. All hardcore, all with acting thats actually a cut or two above regular porn acting:

Male Actor "Hello ma'am, your pizza/Plumber/TV repairman/Poolboy/Sex is here"
Female Actor ~Opens the door mostly or entirely naked "Oh, come right in, hope you know how to (insert cliched "sexy" thing here)" ~Followed by an attempted coy giggle~

These porn folk sincerely try to act and some of them have marginal talents aside from being able to fit entire arms in their nether regions. Now being that this is, I assume, a PG-13 site, there won't be any hardcore images in any of this (and believe me thats tough to do). And I said I'd never be able to find chick in green paint sexy again thanks to one sleeping with Shatner, but I'll be damned, this show proved me wrong.

After the initial success of the series however, Blizzard Entertainment stepped in and decided that they didn't want their "Family Friendly" name being bandied about in the same connotations as a porn production (though they are OK with attaching it to so many other god-awful bullshit themes) , so the producers decided to change the name to Whorelore. Same thing, new name, whatever.


So then there's Final Fuck X (obviously, Final Fantasy X when you see the box) which follows the adventures of 3 women, very close in name to the female protagonists from the aforementionned FF game. Again, porn to me is very rarely about story or substance, acting or costume, but in this case again, I must say, the amount of detail that went into this was astounding (as far as the appearance). Now because I don't speak Japanese and was far too lazy to find either a dubbed or subtitled version, I can assume the "story" followed the normal tone of the game if everyone were extremely horny and didn't care about saving the world, but the amount of silly looks on the actresses faces tells me that story was really secondary, they were simply trying to cash in on a very successful gaming franchise.

Then again, there are also movies (which may or may not be real in North America) which are parodied off of the Left 4 Dead, zombie bore-athon: One known as Left 4 Head and other Left 4 Bed. Due to the fact that these are obviously tied into the whole zombie thing, I refuse to watch them out of sheer desire to not start foaming at the mouth.

Other titles like "Face Invaders" or "Grand Theft Anal" simply are that ... titles that SOUND like video game titles. Though I must say I was intrigued by "Call of Booty."


Progressing right along the curve(s) here, something else was delivered into my waiting lap in regards to this whole subject. In what twisted world could one tie together Samus Aran, Link and Zelda, Princess Peach, Chun Li and even Rayne of the Bloodrayne series before Uwe killed it, with anything honestly sexual? Well a club in California, known as Bordello, have recently unveiled a lovely stage show, featuring a sextet (if you'll pardon the pun) of comely ladies walking out on to stage dressed up as the aforementioned gaming characters and proceeding to strip down to the nipple stickers and t-bars. Not only is this getting rave reviews, its also incredibly lucrative for the club that is putting it on. To add to this, the fellows who are in charge of the show have also taken the liberty with the background music from the original games, updating them to a nice little jazz or lounge style. Lovely. Who's up for a trip to Cali? Forch?


But I prattled on and have once again, single handedly destroyed the innocent wholesomeness of gaming from you forever, as if there were anything pure after Custer's Revenge.

So until next time, this is Major Martin saying, "Son/Daughter, I think its time for us to have a talk about the birds and the bees ... I know they aren't even remotely the same species, but man do they like to get it on"

Coming Soon: To a console near you!!!

Well I suppose its time to do the job that Forch hired me for, and actually write something about specific video games, and damnit, that's what I'll do.

Just like any true gamer I'm constantly cross-eyed, one eye staring into the past, maintaining my amorous relationship with sparkling golden nuggets, the other instead focused keenly on the horizon. I did my usual "Look to the future sort of thing today, and dredged up some very sexy tidbits, realizing the games I had been watching and put onto the back burners of my awareness are approaching faster than a monster in a horror movie after any female character has taken her tits out.

The first game I want to touch on is Dante's Inferno, or the working title of Gates of Hell. This game brought to you by EA (VOMIT), actually has a surprising chunk of promise in it for the adult gamer. It's based loosely around Alighieri's poem, the Divine Comedy, and attempts to carry the theme of a gentleman by the name of Dante, a crusader by trade, who comes home from killing all the filthy non-Catholics of the world to find his beloved Beatrice being dragged into hell by the Reaper. Dante being the kind of dopey idiot you'd have to be to actually WILLING go on crusades, jumps balls first into the fire to chase down this woman and free her from the grips of Lucifer himself.

Judging by the look of the game so far, which is gorgeous for an EA game (in a manner so perverse, I've had to pause and rewind videos just to scratch my head and touch myself in wonder), Dante looks much like your A-typical medieval warrior, aside from carrying a big ass scythe constructed of human bones, probably heathen and combat looks to be a hybrid of Zasalamel from Soul Calibur and Kratos from God of War, without of course the button mashing or quick time events, respectively.

The game seems to roll through the nine circles of hell, which I'm not going to list off, just read the damned book yourself. Each is twistedly rendered in a fashion specifically to focus on its theme but to pervert it in such a way that you'll never quite look at your assorted misdeeds again. Lust was particularly insightful, when the boss of the chapter, a giant naked monster Cleopatra who spawns little demon children that shoot out of her nipples (that's not a joke btw), which I know crosses into my whacking thoughts on a daily basis. It made me think that the people at EA really aren't sure where babies come from, once again begging the question, are the people that run that company really that stupid? They can build a monolithic tower that looks like a cock, but nope, babies still come from boobies.

Anyways, I'm straying. The game does look fun and playable and with a February 9th, 2010 release date, EA has bent themselves and their console of choice over and pissed right past the Christmas releases.


Now taking the obvious bait of MENTIONING God of War, I was going to talk about God of War 3, which is the fifth installment in the series, for those of us who can count, which features the ultimate Mr. Grumpy-pants carrying on his petty war with silly gods, backed by the aid of the titans, which actually makes up one of the best stress relieving games I have ever played, but why? It'll be just as good and gory as the previous home console titles (the portables were a bit iffy) and I'll actually review it instead of thinking how good it could be. Gaming erection to follow in February, if all goes according to plan.


Now for the Christmas releases (which I know its mid-way through November) there are bound to be some shineys. Just like with the movie industry, gaming companies have also determined the best time to shatt out the best (though not for long thanks to X-Box).

Dangling on a much closer ledge then February, and looking as good as its predecessor is Assassin's Creed II, which releases next week (17th here, 19th in Europe) has the feel of the first, you know soft science, historical inaccuracies, runny, jumpy, climby, stabby, and what looks to be the start of steam power or early rotational motion technology, rather than a boring old horse and a finger blade which extends rather erotically, by flexing your wrists.

Our new protagonist, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, is contemporary of Leonardo Da Vinci, in some way or another (lets hope they're "Just Friends") and instead of being
set in the stuffy holy land, this game lets you travel between Venice, Rome, Florence and the Tuscan country side. The game has the feel of a mafia war, 500 years ago. Ezio's father and brothers, who are all secretly assassins, are murdered and its up to our hero, to find the pricks responsible, and poke them repeatedly with sharp things, while protecting his dear mother and sister. Instead of being on top of a gigantic bloody mountain, the home base area is actually a villa, which comes complete with slaves, churches, shops and even a brothel. Apparently, the family has come a long way since, getting wise and getting the hell out of Masyaf, and it shows. They now have taxpayers.

Like the the first game, there'll be plenty of things to do, people to leap at, dry hump and kill, and all sorts of environments to climb all over. And like the original, its all a semi-religious war plot that's ACTUALLY taking place in 2012, by the modern day Templar (the Abstergo Corporation) and focusing on the pissass genetic memories of a parkour enthusiast bartender, which means, no death, just getting desynchronized from the big machine that reads the memories programed into your DNA ... /shrug.

It looks as fun as the first one, which is nice, because in a world where games that aren't released on the Wii, looking like some various post apocalyptic world, this one has COLOURS!!! And that's nice sometimes. And c'mon ... there are so few non-Wii titles that are designed with the thoughts of fun in mind.


And finally, I know its only tangentially games related, but I actually got around to watching the trailer for the newest Jerry Bruckheimer/Disney cash
grab, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and I'm seriously praying that its at least 1% as good as that game was. From what I saw in the trailer, the prince looks well cast, and can evolve into the later incarnations from the series quite easily, but at this point he looks and sounds as light hearted as he should in TSOT. His female counter-part in the film appears much as you'd picture her, embodying the frail/strong duality that all heroines possess, and combined well with a very earthy beauty. Lots of fire, tonnes of action and like any Bruckheimer film, stuffed full of eyesocket-fucking special effects.
Check out this shit!!!












But that's what I gots for today, so until next time, this is Major Martin saying, keep fit and have fun. No wait ... fuck fitness, keep snacking?? No, that doesn't work either. Ahh screw the whole thing.

Dear Obsessive Fans of Zombies,
Piss off

Thanks,

Trevor









Ok, maybe thats the wrong way to say it. To those of you voodoo folks, who follow the traditional spiritual belief system and zombies being people controlled and used as labourers by powerful sorcerers ... fine. I've got no beef with you. Even though science for once works with a religious belief to prove the existence of your Zombi, I won't pick fights over that.

No I'm referring to the George Romero worshippers. First let me say, I'm well aware that this is NOT the first film of this style, there were dozens of movies released following a similar premise. Night of the Living dead, released in 68, was the progienator of the zombie apocalypse theory that has been repeated so many times, its starting to make me worry. Can no one come up with something actually nerve wracking, like talking trees, chickens taking over the planet, or more Terminator movies.


Now in doing some research in to the apocalypse theory, 3 common factors come to bear when dealing with Zombies in literature/film/gaming. Below each I will simply input my suggestion for ways to prevent this, that rational people will be able to handle.

1. Zombies, whatever form they take, are unprecedented in the setting of the story; the event that created them is unknown or has never happened before and it is not generally known how to effectively suppress them. The zombies cannot be controlled easily with available technologies.
~ This sort of a scenario would never be able to effectively occur in our society. Due to cynisism being transformed into a virtue, everyone already fears the worst about others and routinely keeps their distance. If anyone were to slowly shuffle towards me with an arm missing, dead eyes, or blood running from everywhere, my first though would not be "I wonder if they're ok". You might shout that first, but I personally think it'd be more akin to "Holy Fuck, I need to find a stick to smack this thing across the head" Most sane adults have seen enough bleak shit in their life to understand what is happening around them. Look at office or postal workers ... nowadays they know when shit's gonna hit the fan.

2. Initial contacts with zombies are extremely traumatic, causing shock, panic and disbelief and possibly denial, hampering survivors' ability to deal with hostile encounters.
~ While it is entirely possible that these reactions would be commonplace, the first several (shock and panic) go hand in hand with the traditional human survival mechanism, fight or flight. Now I'm not sure about you, but if I were to watch someone getting ripped apart by a horde of shuffling moaners, I'm not going to stand around. I'm going to high-tail it, looking for a place with thick doors. Now being a person of scientific reasoning, I would surely think of the latter two reactions of disbelief/denial and I'm sure others would as well. This, however, can easily be cured by the fusion of a firm open hand and the face of the disbelieving/denying imbecile. Problem solved, move along.

3. The response of authorities to the threat is slower than its rate of growth, giving the zombie plague time to expand beyond containment. This results in the collapse of the given society. Zombies take full control while small groups of the living must fight for their survival.
~ This logic pisses me right the hell off, to be honest. This is basically stating that the people that we pay with our taxes are too fucking dimwitted to realise that people are going batshit nuts and trying to eat people, which in turn is causing them to go batshit nuts and try to eat people. Are you serious? Has our respect for law enforcement or military service men and women dropped that far??? Now I'm not suggesting we use the swine flu as an example of government response time, but in a time of emergency, military/police forces can mobilize in minutes, trained men and women specializing in dealing with dangerous situations. So sure the governments may not be too speedy in getting the ball rolling, however, we live in an age of information. Most people that I know of, as soon as they wake up, will be connected to some form of news, whether it be via TV, radio, or internet, and considering that even if local services are not available, international more than likely will be, not alot of folks will be caught in the dark, even if politicians are sitting with their thumbs up their asses.

Now lets take this a step farther and talk about the weapon of choice arguement. Most people with the slighest survival instincts, will have some form of weaponry in their home. Whether it be as simple as a baseball bat or something further along like a gun, most people I know of have some form of armament in their homes. Now couple this with the knowledge available and this more or less will put the zombie apocalypse out of business.

Now upon further reading into the subject I stumbled across this golden coil of dog shit stating: According to a 2009 Carleton University and University of Ottawa epidemiological analysis, an outbreak of even Night of the Living Dead's slow zombies "is likely to lead to the collapse of civilization, unless it is dealt with quickly. (http://www.mathstat.uottawa.ca/~rsmith/Zombies.pdf)

I read through this, laughing my ass off at the various means in which these doctoral students attempted to rationalize a spreading pattern of outbreak, through assorted means and equations, missing the desire for survival coupled with the instinct of the Susceptibles labelled therein. Not to mention, military firepower, police firepower and local militia firepower, in addition to the aforementioned Susceptibles. I appreciate the effort folks, but take those other variables into account before you make more panicky dimwits more panicky and dimwitted.

Anyways, I'm going to quote someone much funnier than myself here. In his Left4Dead review, Ben Crowshaw made the following observation: "I guess it's just that the breakdown of society is attractive to people with absolutely no social skills; and while you may have to hide from slavering mutants your whole life, at least the big boys will never again tape you into a bin and kick you down the stairs."

Why is it that people don't concern themselves with the possibility of an army of sexy asses attacking from someplace that we don't understand.










In an interview with Ain't it Cool News, The Zombie Survival Guide author Max Brooks commented on the fans of zombie apocalypses: "I don't know what's scarier, the fact that zombies could rise or the fact there are actually people out there that can't wait for it to happen. So they can just start loading up with guns and get on their motorcycles..." Written as a joke, interpretted seriously.


I guess now he knows how the first interpreters of the Decalogue felt when they read it aloud
Reader #1 "Ok the rest seem to make sense, how does number ten pan out"
Reader #2 "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife nor shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor"
Reader #1 "Wait, what? So it says that I'm not allowed to think my neighbors wife is hot? Or wish my cows were as healthy as his. That has to be a mistake. Maybe you translated it wrong"
Reader #2 "Nope. Thats what it says."
Reader #1 "Well, fuck it, its almost lunch time. Lets just leave it there, I doubt anyone will believe it anyways."

Well enough of the blasphemy for one day, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway world, which sure sounds like a great movie ... yes thats it. In closing, I'll leave you with the words of wisdom the Forch gave to me ... there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about.

The Sexiffication on gaming?

Now for the first load I'm talking about, there isn't a specific game, or even genre of gaming. There's just something that burns my ass a little bit ... the oversexualization in the gaming industry.

Lets get this out of the way right now, I'm not a conservative, I'm a firm believer in the games can be art club and I love naked women. That being said, there are certain parts of gaming that yes, can handle a little bit of smut in them. It accentuates the story, allows for development or something to that effect.

However, there are other game devs, who will put it in seemingly to see if they can get away with it, or because they think it'll sell. The latter enters such games as Tomb Raider, Heavenly Sword or X-blades, whereas the former is more closesly tied to the GTA series, BMX XXX, etc.

The Tomb Raider series is one that I'll hit particularily hard here, because what they'd done was take a barely functional platforming game in which they took out the "functional" part and replaced it with a "sexy" polygonal character named Lara Croft. Anyone who has played this series at all, can attest to the fact that its a heaping pile of shit and they only reason they did so at age 13 was to zoom the camera in on the main character's rack. Thats all it had going for it. End of discussion there, you've reached the pinnacle of your game developing careers there folks. Wait what's that? Oh you've made 8 more games and two movies involving the exact same bullshit. And they're going to sell 35 million copies worldwide to a group of teenagers with holes in their pockets, thus beginning the destructive oversexualization of the modern mind. Alot of women see Croft as a feminist icon, which as a start makes me chuckle. I know myself as an adolescent had many fantasies involving other feminist symbols like Donna Haraway or even Judith Butler. Bullshit. Core tried to pass it off this way so they didn't get gassed by those same nazi's. No harm, no foul. Can't fault folks for wanting to make money I suppose.

Now the Heavenly Sword/X-Blades grouping is a blatant combat rip off of the God of War series, you know the game of rampant destruction that brought quick time events back to the fore of gaming, Anyways, both characters, being female, are required by the majority of the gaming community to apparently be wearing as little as possible so as to display all the game dev's work on the tiny, perfect, glistening bodies. Thats it. Its again, all marketing. A large percentage of gamers who bought either of those games did so because of the prospect of nakedness or near nakedness.

Now the GTA series, and that being all of them since three, have featured something to do with nudity or sexuality. This is more of a slight surprise inside rather than an integral part of gameplay itself. Its not needed, though its caught some heat for it, and still doesn't take away from the fact that the games (except for 4) were all about the fun of stealing cars, shooting people, shooting people from stolen cars, seeing how many people you can squish while powersliding, how high of a roof can you jump off of while shooting rockets at your persuers with a five star wanted level without dying and etc. That game was about the fun, the 18 sided breasts weren't essential, just an annoying addition.
P.S. - I also appreciated the zoomed in thong, clearly unable to follow the real geometry instead blocking into 30 odd angles rather than a smooth cut. Next time you want to add something like that, for fuck sakes make it clean enough for me to actually consider it an ass worth playing a game for. Thanks

This subject can even touch on the God of War franchise. I recall my first time playing through after beating that bastard hydra and going down to the lower decks of the ship and lo an behold, two naked women sitting there giggling. After a moment of watching how far along computer graphics had come along in the last few years with breast jiggle physics, I decided to walk in for a closer look which instigated a quick time event where Kratos made a lunging grab and the screen changed to a vase on a stand that you apparently knock over by nailing the floosies hard enough, pushing buttons and rotating the analog stick. Novel, yes. Totally pointless, without a doubt.

And I think a brief mention should be made to the DoA "saga": there it was.

All of the above examples really do beg the question, "What is the point of it all?" Being a 25 year old male, ie the target gaming audience, its almost insulting to have games geared at me because of absurd violence and more importantly glistening flawless breasts/ass. Whatever happened to the simpler times of insert game, play until your eyes bled just for the sake of having fun, rather than be sidetracked by supple bodies rendered down to the last bead of sweat. And here's what I've come up with:
Being the target, most males around the 18-35 year mark are still relatively amused by nudity, to the point where after it being blatantly put into a game early on, it hooks them. A large percentage will spend the rest of the play time, hunting in every nook and cranny in an effort to find more of the boobage, thus being an extremely lazy way for devs to extend play time.

For those of you who kept reading beyond the first line of this tripe, you've earned a cookie and be sure to rub it in the faces
of those smarmy bitches that didn't.
The whole point of this article was still to say, I love naked women. I mean ... video games. And any nudity is just a shameful plug to draw said games out further.

So until next time,

Game Safely (tube socks and doors locked)

Major Trevor Martin

A New Challenger Emerges !!!

Hello there boys and girls, my name is Trevor. The
ForchMan has asked me to join in his cavalcade of whimsy,
specializing in the Video Gaming industry, for now (insert
sinister laughter).

The first thing I'd like to do, is thank the Forch for his
grievous error in allowing me any sort of an outlet to
voice an opinion on things, followed briefly by a thank
you in a positive light, for the exact same reason.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the sort to hate on something
cause its trendy to hate, nor will I rip it several new
usable orifices to use as guttural sludge pumps for the
ooze I call my opinions, for being something everyone
adores. This is the internet people. The free exchange of
ideas, not a series of tubes on the back of a truck.

So yes, sometimes the things I write will be offensive and
not for the faint of heart and that's just the way the
cookie crumbles. But you're here for a view on a subject
and that's pretty much what you're going to get.

Not all the games I review will be the latest badass super
outerspace adventure on Playstation 12. Some of them will
be older games, even classics. Games that have somehow
assisted in molding this god forsaken creature, who's
words you are reading right now. And for fans of the
series, I will very quickly review Final Fantasy 8, it was
garbage. You just read it, you can't unread it. Other
times it'll be issues in gaming that have really jostled
my flaps, but that'll come in good time.

Now a bit of history for those who would care to read it -
I started back in the cartridge days, happy to say I am
the tag end of the original Nintendo generation. I have
seen consoles develop from overpriced smile generators
that looked like that one time the kid in your
kindergarten class ate the box of crayons and threw up all
over the floor to the over priced machines they are today,
trying my damnedest to stay on top of current market
trends. At any given time I can honestly say I've been a
proud owner of all of the many systems that have been
released in North America, though I am loath to admit it
on a few. (Under his breath, coughs the word Gamecube).

I'm a big reader, and I'll usually give anything a shot,
from Clancy to Brown, but my true literary love is
fantasy. Just like everyone else, I have my thoughts on
that one, the proof of that is that I actually liked
Confessor, despite everyone elses massive hatred of it.
(He had to let her go for crying out loud). Though this may
put me at odds with other members of the team, I don't
like Steven King when he tries to write suspense (except
the Stand, which was fantastic).

Movies are the same. I'll watch most things once, and
thanks to Kat its very commonly cartoons or comedy films.
Yet I still struggle through them to find out which are
worth it, and some cartoons are and the ones that aren't
up to par, will be met with, shall we call it ...
assholery. Like Tim Burton ... fuck Sweeney Todd.

Now I'll state this now that you've trudged through all of
this shit, but I can be long winded or as I like to call
it "thorough"

But I've pulled your attention away from useful things
like video games for long enough ...

Play Safely

Maj. Trevor Martin