Review: The Love Guru

By FORCH F. FORTIER.

I have always been a fan of Mike Myers.

But after the 2008 film, The Love Guru, my faith in Myers has been shaken.

Review: Tropic Thunder

By FORCH F. FORTIER

Pound for pound, Robert Downey, Jr. is one of the greatest actors alive today.

No more is that last statement evident, than in the 2008 film, Tropic Thunder.

Downey (Iron Man) stars alongside Ben Stiller (Meet the Parents) and Jack Black (School of Rock) in a comedy, directed and written by Stiller himself, which spoofs films such as Platoon.

Review: Legion (2010)

By FORCH F. FORTIER

What did we do to piss off the almighty?

I’m not sure, but if the 2010 movie: Legion is any indication of things to come; I weep for the future of the human race.

Not just because of the events of the film, but because of the fact that if this is a sign of movies and the way they’re going to be made in the future, I weep for the filmgoer.

Legion stars Paul Bettany (A Knight’s Tale) as the Archangel Michael, who after disobeying God, falls to Earth and transubstantiates in order to save humanity from incurring God’s wrath.

He raids a weapons cache, and after stopping a possessed police officer, he heads off to the deserts of New Mexico to save a pregnant waitress, Charlie, played by Adrianne Palicki (TV’s Friday Night Lights) whose baby is the key to saving humanity.

After some strange goings on at the diner, including a possessed old lady who crawls up the ceiling, the patrons and staff at the diner are realizing that there is something strange afoot.

Michael arrives, and tells everyone that God has lost faith in humanity, and like the flood [Noah’s Ark] before it, God is going to wipe out humanity as a whole, and send down his army of Angels to kill everyone.

The film itself is very dark. Not just the premise, but also the picture itself is as well. Most of the movie does take place at night, which makes things quite difficult to watch at times.

The special effects are quite good when used, but they do not add to a story, which is quite weak in parts. It isn’t an unoriginal premise, but the plotline is just weak, and not very enthralling. I found my attention not being focused on the screen the whole time, and wandering off at parts.

The film was casted well, as it included a group of very good actors such as Dennis Quaid (Frequency), Tyrese Gibson (Death Race) and Charles S. Dutton (The Express). The problem the film faces is that regardless of the on screen talent, if the story is subpar, the finished product is going to appear the same. This film is no exception.

Directed by Scott Stewart, who has no other previous major film direction credits, you can see that there is a lack of experience at the helm, which really makes the film suffer as a whole.

I give Legion 2 out of 10.

Review: Watchmen

By FORCH F. FORTIER
Who watches the Watchmen?

It’s a question asked many times throughout the 2009 film adaptation of the hit graphic novel, Watchmen, created by comic book legend, Alan Moore (V For Vendetta) and drawn by Dave Gibbons.

Directed by Zack Snyder (300), Watchmen is one of the few near-literal adaptations of a comic book, ever.

The movie opens with a break in at the apartment of one Edward Blake, played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan (The Losers), who gets attacked, and after a battle with his intruder; Blake is thrown out of his apartment window and falls to his death.

A vigilante by the name of Rorschach, played by Jackie Earle Haley (A Nightmare of Elm St (2010), Little Children), discovers a clue where Blake’s body fell and investigates. It is then that Rorschach discovers that Blake was one of his former associates known as "The Comedian", in the superhero team, The Watchmen.

Ascertaining that someone is trying to kill former superheroes, Rorschach takes it upon himself to warn his former Watchmen, and attempt to find out who is behind the mystery. What he doesn’t know is that the murder is only a small part of the mystery, and that there is a bigger plot afoot.

The movie is set against the backdrop of an alternate 1985, in which Richard Nixon is still president, and the threat of nuclear war with the Russians seems to be inevitability. The film explores a timeline that goes from the early days of superheroes in the ‘40s and ‘50s to the present-day 1985. The back-story is played out throughout the film, and the story follows a linear time-line with flashbacks intertwined.

Featuring an ensemble cast, which includes: Billy Crudup (Almost Famous), Malin Ackerman (Couple’s Retreat), Patrick Wilson (Lakeview Terrace) and Matthew Goode (Leap Year), the cast plays their respective roles with absolute brilliance. The characters look and feel as they do in the source material.

I really enjoyed the characters of Rorschach and Nite Owl [played by Patrick Wilson]. Both characters were acted very well, and escaping into the film, I developed an emotional connection to both heroes, and the inner struggles of each. Jackie Earle Haley is truly a masterful actor, and deserves all of the kudos for his acting that one can get. He should have received a Best Supporting Actor nomination for this performance.

Watchmen features a different side of the idea of superheroes than one would expect. It is a dark story, without a real “happy ending”, so if that were what you are expecting, I would recommend that you do not watch it.

The visuals of the film are amazing. The scenery and set design are just impeccable. When watching the film, it looks like that era, and the costume design is done very well. Not completely matching the original comic, however it looks more realistic on screen.

There are moments in the movie, where you can see exactly how it looked on the page. It was almost like they used the graphic novel as a storyboard for the movie. Even the promotional posters for the film were real-life representations of pages from the book itself.

There are maybe 2-3 items changed from the book to the film, but the changes make more sense in the grand scheme of things. Nothing that ruin the movie going experience for the viewer, nor would any “fanboys” object. The general consensus among fans has been positive.

I recommend this film to any lover of comic book films, or action/drama films that don’t follow your typical formulaic endings.

I give Watchmen 8 out of 10.

Review: Starship Troopers (Shudder)

By FORCH F. FORTIER
There are times in life where one must look back on their accomplishments and ask, “If I were to do it all over again, what would I change?”

If I were director Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Total Recall), I know what I would change. Actually, I know what I would down right remove from my life.

I would never have made 1997’s Starship Troopers.

Starship Troopers is an adaptation of a Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name. This cinematic abortion is 129 minutes of congealed monkey vomit that every time I watch it; I am surprised that I was able to sit through the entire thing.

The plot is, is that the humans of the future are in the middle of an intergalactic skirmish with the “Bugs” of the planet Klendathu. The movie starts off like some sort of futuristic propaganda film, with a bit of interactivity to it, which opens up the plot, and gives the viewer an idea of what to expect.

Enter Johnny Rico, played by the master thespian, Casper Van Dien (Tarzan and the Lost City, Sleepy Hollow), your star athlete and underachieving everyman. Johnny’s in love with Carmen, played by Denise Richards (Wild Things, The World is Not Enough), and they’re your typical Prom King and Queen-like couple in the City of Buenos Aires. Joining them on their quest are their friends: Dizzy, played by Dina Meyer (Johnny Mnemonic, Dragonheart), who harbors a crush on Johnny, and Carl, played by Neil Patrick Harris (Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, TV’s How I Met Your Mother).

They live in a future, where in order to become a “citizen” and have rights, such as the ability to vote, you have to participate in military service. Johnny decides to enlist, only to follow Carmen, however his grades are too low, and is assigned to the Mobile Infantry, while Carmen is off to Flight Academy to become a pilot.

Rico and Dizzy end up going into the Mobile Infantry together, while Carl is sent off to Games and Theory, because of his psychic ability. So the duo end up working through basic training, quickly moving up to the top of the class, however due to a training exercise incident, Rico makes a fatal error, causing the death of a fellow trainee under his command.

Rico decides to wash out of Mobile Infantry School, and as he’s about to walk away, his city of Buenos Aires is destroyed in an attack from the Bugs, leading Rico to reconsider his decision to quit, and fight for vengeance against the people who destroyed his family and his home.

Following this plotline, well you can walk away for 15 minutes, and not lose a beat. It’s obvious what happens. Rico breaks up with Carmen, because she wants to be a career pilot, and the distance between the two is too much, but he ends up falling for Dizzy, who loved him all along. She gets killed, and that makes him a tougher soldier in the end.

Yeah, it’s real riveting drama.

The acting in this movie is so sub-par, that I found myself trying to recast it mid-film, and that was in 1997 when I actually paid money to see it. I was only 20 at the time, and I knew then and there that no serious thespian would damage his reputation with this piece of crap.

Casting-wise, the only people involved in the film that I had any respect for were: Michael Ironside (Total Recall, Terminator: Salvation) who always plays a bad ass, and Clancy “Mr. Krabs” Brown, (The Shawshank Redemption, Highlander), who I love in pretty much everything I see him in.

The one saving grace of the film is that there are visible breasts in the movie, a signature of Verhoeven. Not incredible breasts, but breasts none the less.

The special effects of the film were quite good, especially for being 13 years ago. So the film in 2010 doesn’t look so dated like films before it.

The creepiest part of the movie is that as it progresses, the human military starts to look more Nazi in appearance. Case in Point: Neil Patrick Harris’ getup at the end of the film specifically looks like something Hitler wore out on a night on the town.

The thing that boggles my mind is the fact that there have been two direct-to-video sequels to this movie. Like the first one wasn’t bad enough? Hell, that should have been the tagline on the DVD Case for the sequel.

Don’t ask me why I have even seen this movie more than once, but I can guarantee that when it comes to seeing Starship Troopers again, I am good for a while.

I give Starship Troopers 2 ½ out of 10. (1 point being for exposed breasts)

Review: Showtime

By FORCH F. Fortier

The Buddy Cop genre of film has been done to death, so how can an original twist be put on such an overworked and overdone film style?

Why not make a movie about making a reality series?

That’s pretty much the idea between the 2002 comedy, Showtime, starring Robert DeNiro and Eddie Murphy.

Mitch Preston (DeNiro) is a no-nonsense Detective for the LAPD. Trey Sellars (Murphy) is a Patrolman who dreams of making it big in Hollywood. DeNiro’s luck goes south when an undercover drug bust goes sour [Partly because Sellars called in a crime in progress, not knowing that Preston was a cop], Preston ends up shooting a news camera, and now the TV network wants to sue the LAPD because of it.

Enter Chase Renzi, played by Renee Russo (Lethal Weapon 3 & 4, Freejack), a TV producer, who has an idea for a reality TV series. Using Preston as leverage, they pressure him into starring in a Buddy Cop/Reality show where they follow him around, waiting for him to snap, and when he does, it’ll be TV gold.

Sellars decides that he wants to be part of the show, trying to get the role of Preston’s partner stages an audition for the show, and after impressing Renzi, the two become partners.

After a crash course in acting in a buddy cop show, by William Shatner, himself, Preston and Sellars start filming on the job. Investigating the appearance of a gun first used at the initial crime scene, the two start to form a reluctant partnership. Preston giving Sellars advice on how to be a cop, and Sellars helping Preston appear more friendly before the cameras.

Think Lethal Weapon as a reality series. That’s probably the best way to put it.

Directed by Tom Dey (Shanghai Noon, Failure to Launch), Showtime is nothing different in the buddy cop style of movie. Many funny moments appear in the film, mostly when Shatner’s trying to teach Sellars and Preston how to be a cop on TV, most notably “Hood Jumping”.

Shatner makes the film in his short stint in the movie, most notably when he refers to Preston as “The worst actor he’s ever seen,” which obviously is a nod to the fact that most consider him a horrible actor [he’s not, by the way!]

Murphy and DeNiro do have some on-screen chemistry, which is good. However the script wasn’t exactly the best. This was done during the time where DeNiro was in his comedy-phase [The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Meet the Parents/Fockers], and this was probably something suggested to him as a quick payday.

I enjoyed it, and I chuckle when I watch it [whenever it happens to be on], but I couldn’t say that it was either’s greatest performance.

I recommend this movie to anyone who has nothing else to watch, and wants a good laugh.

I give Showtime 6 out of 10.

Review: xXx

It was a movie that revolutionized a genre of film, shattered box office records and cemented an action star’s legacy forever!

What is the film in question? 2002’s xXx

Starring world-renowned action star, Vin Diesel (The Fast and the Furious, The Pacifier) as Xander Cage, aka: xXx.

The film starts off as an agent of the NSA gets killed trying to escape a group of thugs within a Rammstein concert. The agent, looking a lot like a Bond-styled spy, stuck out like a sore thumb in his tuxedo among the head bangers at the show, and gets killed with relative ease.

Back in the U.S., our eponymous hero, Cage, who is a extreme-sports icon, and a professional rule breaker, is shown pretending to be a valet, in order to steal the car of a senator, who is notorious for trying to outlaw stuff that his people hold dear [such as rock music, video games, et al] and so he takes it upon himself to steal the car, rig it with cameras, and drive it off a bridge, surf the car down, and then parachute to the bottom, where Tony Hawk is waiting at the bottom.

So, yeah, the movie is entrenched in realism from the get-go.

While celebrating his latest stunt at the “Xander Zone” with his crew and a bunch of extreme guests, The NSA raid his crib, and tranquilize him, and it goes black.

Cage then awakes in a diner, where an attempted robbery is about to be staged by the NSA in order to test Cage and see if he’s the type of guy they want to use in their day-to-day operations.

Leading the charge is the NSA’s Augustus Gibbons, (Samuel L. Jackson), who feels that by using less than reputable sources for potential agents, they would not only be expendable, but at the same time, they’ll be able to infiltrate certain places that your typical agents couldn’t blend in.

Cage, after a series of tests is less than enthusiastic about being a pawn in this game, but with his freedom being dangled in front of him, he reluctantly agrees, and is sent to the Czech Republic to infiltrate an underground group by the name of Anarchy 99, in order to find out what their intentions are.

Also starring Asia Argento (The Daughter of famous horror film maker, Dario Argento) as Yelena, the “Bond Girl” of the film, who is also on the inside of Anarchy 99, but her intentions are not yet clear.

The film plays out a lot like a Bond film, with [of course] the idea that it’s not a Bond Film. A lot of cool special effects, and stunts fill the movie, in order to give it a much better flavor than the typical spy adventure.
The plot isn’t anything that you haven’t seen anywhere else. Good guy goes undercover, meets woman who’s in league with the bad guy, only to find out that she’s got her own agenda as well, and then the two team up to defeat the evil bad guy. Nothing really imaginative.

I really enjoyed the action sequences, they were done very well, most notably, would be the scene where Cage induces an avalanche, and proceeds to snowboard down the mountain in order to beat it, and stop the men chasing him.

I do actually like Vin Diesel and his films. They are a guilty pleasure of mine, I just never really cared for this film, mainly because I almost took it as a poke toward the James Bond series, which I will admit, at the time was pretty stale, but the fact remains that they’re still very good movies. Diesel works better though, when his character is more believable, or drawn out even more [see: Pitch Black, The Fast and the Furious].

Directed by Rob Cohen (Dragonheart, The Fast and the Furious), the film went on to gross $277 million worldwide countered against an estimated budget of $70 million, the film was extremely profitable. A Sequel was spawned, 2005’s xXx: State of the Union, which was a critical and financial flop. The film did not feature either Cohen at the helm, or Diesel in the lead. However, reports have surfaced that there is another sequel in the works, this time with Diesel and Cohen, called: xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.

Looks like someone’s trying to capture lightning in a bottle again [remember when Diesel came back to do 2009’s “Fast and Furious”?]

I would recommend the film to anyone who enjoys action films, and doesn’t want to do a heck of a lot of thinking. Or, if you’re a Vin Diesel fan, then you’ll get a kick out of it.

I give xXx 4 out of 10.

Review: Finding Forrester

Pound for pound, Sean Connery is one of the greatest on-screen presences of all time. Proof of this would be the 2000 film, Finding Forrester.

Connery stars as the title character of the film, William Forrester, a former Pulitzer Prize winning author, living as a recluse in an apartment in The Bronx, N.Y.

The protagonist of the film is Jamal Wallace, played by Rob Brown (Coach Carter, The Express), a 16-year-old basketball player who has a penchant for writing. After being dared by his friends to sneak into Forrester’s apartment, Jamal accidentally drops his bag after being startled by the reclusive author.

After being taunted by Forrester, by having his bag displayed in the window of his apartment, it is finally dropped, and Jamal inspects his contents inside, which were a bunch of books containing his personal writings, now marked by Forrester.

Jamal is intrigued, and wants Forrester to read more of his writings, but finds that Forrester is less than thrilled, but receives an assignment to write 5,000 words on why Jamal should “Stay the fuck out of his home,” to which Jamal completes and hands back.

Forrester agrees to place Jamal under his tutelage; however, he has to agree to let no one know who he is. Jamal agrees, and a friendship is then forged.

During this time, it’s revealed that Jamal is an exceptionally gifted student, and is offered a chance to go to an exclusive private school. The coach of the basketball team is very excited, but that seems to be the only person that is very appreciative of his presence. His literature teacher, Professor Crawford, played by F. Murray Abraham (All The President’s Men, Amadeus) does nothing but antagonize Jamal and feels that his writings are not his own.

Jamal does happen to make friends with Claire Spence, played by Anna Paquin (X-Men, True Blood), much to the behest of her father, who feels that Jamal, being from a lower-income family would be a burden on her.

Forrester and Jamal develop quite a kinship, with Jamal trying to get Forrester to come out of his comfort zone and get out of the apartment, and Forrester is trying to strengthen Jamal’s writing skills, by trying to get him to learn to write better, specifically, taking one of Forrester’s previous works, and redo it, and make it his own, with the rule being that all of his work stays in the apartment.

Professor Crawford eventually brings Jamal up on charges of Plagiarism, because Jamal took one of his works from the apartment, which was a re-write of Forrester’s works, which happened to be published. Jamal is then forced to either admit either he was influenced by Forrester [something that he agreed not to do], or prove that he had Forrester’s permission to use his material.

The film is a brilliant work of drama. Directed by Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting, Milk), the relationship between Forrester and Jamal is very believable on-screen, as well; the parts are acted so well. Even F. Murray Abraham’s role as Professor Crawford is done well. You watch him, and the more you see him, you start to dislike him even more.

The story is a very emotional one, and when watching it, I felt compassion toward the characters, especially toward Jamal. His inner-struggle is one that I could relate to, and Forrester’s character is one that is very inspired by J.D. Salinger.

I would recommend this movie to anyone and everyone, especially those who wish to be inspired by top-notch drama.

I give Finding Forrester 8 ½ out of 10

Review: Robin Hood: Men in Tights

There is a reason why Mel Brooks’ movies are timeless. He has an uncanny knack for making films that no matter when they’re made; they have a quality about them that never feels dated.

1993’s Robin Hood: Men in Tights is no exception.

Starring Cary Elwes (Hot Shots!, Days of Thunder) as the title character, Men in Tights is your typical spoof comedy with a distinct Brooks style to it. The story is no different than your typical Robin Hood tale, but takes most of its cues from 1991’s Robin Hood Prince of Thieves [with Kevin Costner] and 1938’s The Adventures of Robin Hood [with Errol Flynn].

Robin, having returned from the Crusades, has his property seized from the evil Prince John, played by Comedian, Richard Lewis. The Prince, abusing the King’s power, utilizing the Sheriff of Rottingham, played by Roger Rees (Frida, The Scorpion King) to do his evil deeds.

Robin, of course isn’t going to take this sitting down, so he assembles a group of Merry Men which includes his Blind Servant, Blinkin, played by Mark Blankfield, Little John, Played by Eric Allan Kramer (American Wedding, The Incredible Hulk Returns), Will Scarlet O’Hara, played by Matthew Porretta, and in his first role on film, Dave Chapelle stars as Achoo.

Brooks himself has a small role [as he usually does in his movies] as Rabbi Tuckman [a play on Friar Tuck], who is a purveyor of sacramental wine, and professional circumciser. Amy Yasbeck rounds out the principal cast as Maid Marian, love interest of both Robin and Rottingham.

Featuring a series of sight gags, and of course, Mel Brooks’ brand of Jew-humor. Men in Tights is far from Brooks’ best film, but it is quite a funny film. A lot of the regulars of Brooks’ films, such as Dom Deluise, Dick Van Patten and Robert Ridgely [The Hangman]

Brooks also pays homage to a number of his former films, such as Spaceballs, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. Brooks was probably one of the first “Environmental Filmmakers” [because he recycles a lot of his material].

It’s not close to Brooks’ best, but it is a movie that is enjoyable for anyone who loves comedy.

I give Robin Hood: Men in Tights 6 ½ out of 10.

Review: Star Trek (2009)

Oh, if only we could boldly go where no one has gone before.

For now, we’ll just have to settle for the cinemas. And what better way to boldly go, with the 2009 film, Star Trek.

Now before you start groaning, and think, no another Star Trek film, think again.

Directed and Produced by J.J. Abrams (Creator of TV’s Lost and Fringe), Star Trek serves as an entirely new jumping point for the franchise. Starting right at the beginning. The day of James T. Kirk’s birth.

The film starts off on the USS Kelvin. Sent to investigate a lightning storm in space, the Kelvin is attacked by a ship of unknown origin, and having advanced technology. This ship disables the Kelvin, and Captain Robau, leader of the Kelvin goes aboard to negotiate surrender, leaving George Kirk in charge of the Kelvin.

After Robau discovers that the Captain of this unknown ship, a man only known as Nero (Played by Eric Bana: Hulk, The Time Traveller’s Wife) is not from the present, and is looking for a Vulcan Ambassador, named Spock [yes, that Spock]. Robau has no idea who Spock is, and realizes that Nero is not from the right timeline. Robau is then murdered, after Nero realizes that he’s now in the past, and then orders the destruction of the Kelvin.

Kirk, Sr. is then forced to abandon ship, and sends out general order 13 [yes, that general order 13] for the crew and passengers to escape the Kelvin. Kirk’s wife, who is going into labor [with you-know-who] gets some bad news, as Kirk, Sr. is left to pilot the ship, as the systems are too damaged for auto pilot, and knowing this is the only way to save the crew, he sacrifices his own life to save everyone else.

And thus creates an alternate timeline, unlike any before seen in the Star Trek universe.

After seeing a brief glimpse into the life of our two main protagonists, Kirk, played by Chris Pine (Smokin’ Aces, Princess Diaries 2) and Spock, played by Zachary Quinto (TV’s Heroes,) we’re brought forward to Kirk in the Starfleet Academy, with his main man, Leonard McCoy, played by Karl Urban (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Bourne Supremacy)

Kirk and Spock’s relationship starts off bumpy [something never really explored in the Original Series] as Kirk is caught cheating on the Kobayashi Maru exam [something mentioned in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan], and Spock, the programmer of the exam knows that Kirk has cheated by changing the rules of the computer simulated test, because it is not winnable.

Shortly after Kirk is about to get suspended for cheating on the exam, the planet Vulcan is under attack, and the action from there begins.

The film itself is shot brilliantly, and the actors themselves have done a great job, recreating the spirit of the Original Series, without becoming parodies of the original characters. Karl Urban specifically played McCoy, almost channeling the spirit of the late Deforest Kelley. Pine and Quinto are great as Kirk and Spock, and the rest of the crew are great.

The villain, Nero, is something rarely seen in the Star Trek films. He is a worthwhile and enjoyable bad guy. Nero is a Khan-like nemesis, and that’s the key of a great film, a bad guy who is completely justified in his actions, in his own mind. He doesn’t see himself as a bad guy. But, of course, he is misguided in his actions. Eric Bana plays Nero so well, I would have to say it’s one of his better performances.

Another plus is Zoe Saldana (Avatar, The Losers) who played Uhura. Not only is she incredibly gorgeous, but also she plays the character so well, and with a bit of fire. Her scenes with Spock [Quinto] are filled with just the right level of emotion.

A negative for the film [in my opinion] is the limited use of Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) who plays the plucky comic relief, Montgomery Scott, aka: Scotty. He’s introduced a little over halfway into the film, and assists in a crucial part of the film, however, it would have been a lot better to have him in a much larger role.

Abrams did a great job reviving the spirit of the Original Series, with a good introductory script. The key will be when the sequel comes around [and with the money it made, there’s no question of a sequel], can Abrams capture lightning in a bottle again?

I recommend the movie to anyone and everyone. It is perhaps my favorite film of 2009, or at least in my top five.

I give Star Trek 9 out of 10.

Review: Pandorum

Sometimes, a movie comes out which paints a bleak vision of the future of the human race, a vision in which our worst characteristics are shown, bright as day, even though they’re as dark as night.

This bleak vision of the future is painted brilliantly in the 2009 movie, Pandorum.

Starring Dennis Quaid (Frequency, The Rookie) as Payton And Ben Foster (X-Men: The Last Stand, The Punisher) as Bower, two astronauts aboard a ship called the Elysium, which is transporting 60,000 humans to a planet, Tanus, to colonize the human race, as Earth is suffering from massive overpopulation.

Payton and Bower awake to relieve the crew before them, and they are unable to access the bridge of the ship. The two are trying to figure out how to get to the bridge, and Bower takes it upon himself to get to the bridge, being guided by Payton on radio.

Early in the film, Payton [as an obvious plot device] explains to Bower about Pandorum, a condition, which is brought on by extended periods of hyper-sleep combined with deep-space travel. Those who are afflicted suffer from bouts of paranoia, hallucinations, and even homicidal tendencies.

Moving on around the ship, Bower starts to discover the outcome of the crew, all the while being hunted by humanoid creatures, which move extremely fast and appear to be hunting humans on the ship. What these creatures are, and how they became to be on the ship gets revealed throughout the film.

The film itself is visually a good one, but very dark. Taking place on a grim-looking spaceship, it looks very authentic. Foster and Quaid are both really well, and carry the film very well.

Featuring a very small cast of relatively unknown actors, it afforded the makers of the film the ability to make the film for a relatively small budget of around $40 million. The film, while in theaters was not very successful, bringing in a total of around $19 million, and was not very well received by critics.

There are some very good things to be found in the movie. The first, being the performances of Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster. Both are very good actors. Second, the special effects and props teams did a very good job of creating a very realistic and believable environment aboard the Elysium.

Some of the minuses of the film would be the story. When watching the film, if you pay attention, you should be able to figure out the whole plot relatively early in the film [the first 30 minutes, I would say]. It’s nothing that you probably haven’t seen before, but the effects of the film make up for it in the end.

I recommend the film if you like movies like Alien, or Event Horizon.

I give Pandorum 6 ½ out of 10.

Review: Gone in 60 Seconds

Is it possible to steal 50 top-end cars in one night?

Well when you’re Nicholas Cage, anything’s possible.

2000’s Gone in 60 Seconds, starring Cage (The Rock, National Treasure) as Randal “Memphis” Raines, at one time, Los Angeles’ greatest car thief, now retired. Raines is brought out of retirement, after his kid brother, Kip, played by Giovanni Ribisi (Avatar, Boiler Room) after botching a job for crime boss, Raymond Calitri, played by Christopher Eccleston (Doctor Who, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra).

Raines has now four days to steal the cars that Kip was supposed to steal initially, and with Detective Castlebeck (Delroy Lindo, Sahara, Ransom) and his partner Detective Drycoff (Timothy Olyphant, The Girl Next Door, The Crazies) breathing down his neck, Memphis is under pressure to get these cars delivered on time, without getting caught.

Assembling members of his old crew, including Sway (Angelina Jolie, Wanted, Tomb Raider), Otto (Robert Duval, Secondhand Lions, Deep Impact) and Donny (Chi McBride, TV’s The Human Target, The Terminal) Raines decides to take it to the streets and boost all 50 cars needed in one night.

The film is a re-imagining of the 1974 film of the same name, made by Buffalo’s own H.B. Halicki, who was “The Car Crash King” in cinema of the 1970s

Produced by action juggernaut, Jerry Bruckheimer (The Rock, Con-Air) Gone in 60 Seconds features a lot of fast action, and cool special effects, with very little back story, but enough for you to get emotionally connected to the characters, a very similar trait to most of the Bruckheimer library.

Nicholas Cage is [to put it simply] Nicholas Cage in the film. He has a formula for most of the movies that he is in, and in this case, it’s no exception. He does what works for him, and you either like him or you don’t.

The Supporting cast is put together nicely, all of the characters are not terribly annoying or over the top. They all have their individualism, but at the same time, not one of them really outshines the other.

Angelina Jolie is gorgeous in the movie, going with blonde dreadlocks for her character. A look that has yet to be redone with her, so it is one of the films where she really doesn’t look like her typical self, which is nice. Far too often she seems to have her characters looks blend together too much.

I loved the cars in the film; they really should be getting co-star credits in the film. That truly is what makes the movie what it is, especially Eleanor, silver 1967 Ford Shelby Mustang GT 500. That car is a classic, and was just awesome to watch being driven. The really beat the crap out of that car!

One of the downfalls of the film, is that Christopher Eccleston is not in the film nearly enough. As one of the antagonists of the film, you would think that he would have been in it a lot more, however, he seems to have a much smaller part than I would have liked. But then, to me, anything with Christopher Eccleston in it, he needs to be in it more [See: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra].

Altogether, it is a worthwhile action/adventure film; there are some downfalls in it. Primarily the script is a little weak, but the film delivers exactly what it says/shows. It’s a must see for any car aficionado, or anyone who is in the mood for a good action film. You don’t need to do a lot of thinking while watching it, and for some that is the mark of a good film.

For me, it is a good film, and I give Gone in 60 Seconds 6 out of 10.

Review: Zoolander

By FORCH F. FORTIER

Ben Stiller has made a career out of playing loveable idiots. But perhaps the greatest of those idiots was Derek Zoolander.

Zoolander, the title character of the 2001 comedy, is perhaps one of the dumbest protagonists in the history of film, and Stiller (Meet the Parents, Tropic Thunder) pulls it off with such panache, that you can’t help but chuckle.

The plot is basic. Derek Zoolander is the greatest male model in the world, but after being embarrassed at the VH1 fashion awards, being upstaged by up-and-coming superstar, Hansel, played by Owen Wilson (Wedding Crashers, Starsky and Hutch).

Dejected, after this embarrassment, Derek gets a chance to cheer up with his Male-model roommates. However, while glancing at an unfavorable article about himself in Time Magazine, his Roommates are tragically killed in a “Freak gasoline fight accident”.

Zoolander then begins to question himself, and his place in the world. And after one day of soul searching, and working with his father and brothers, Zoolander’s agent, Maury Ballstein, played by Stiller’s Father, Jerry (Seinfeld, The King of Queens), gets a job with the one designer that has never hired him before, Jacobim Mugatu, played by Will Ferrell (Anchorman, Talladega Nights)

What Zoolander doesn’t know, is that he’s about to become a pawn in an attempt to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia. As the plot is uncovered, it is shown that male models are behind all of the world’s political assassinations.

The film is filled with celebrity cameos, and jokes across the span of the film. Anyone who enjoys a good comedy will get a kick out of it, without really having to think all that much.

Stiller not only starred, but wrote and directed the film, and both of Stiller’s parents have parts, in addition to Christine Taylor, (Dodgeball, The Wedding Singer), his wife.

Although the film was profitable, its box office take was affected by the attacks of September 11, as it had opened about two weeks after the incident.

After nearly a decade after the release, it is still considered relevant, and popular amongst fans of comedy.

I do recommend the film to anyone who enjoys a good laugh.

I give Zoolander 8 out of 10.

Review: All the President's Men

It all started with a burglary in 1973, and it ended up being one of the most controversial events of the 20th Century. That event was Watergate. A nation was left forever changed due to the events of that scandal. But what were the series of events that lead up to this toppling of a government?

All [or at least some] of the answers to that question are answered in the 1976 film, All the President’s Men.

Directed by Alan J. Pakula (Sophie’s Choice, The Pelican Brief), The film follows the tale of two journalists from the Washington Post, Bob Woodward, played by Robert Redford (The Sting, The Natural) and Carl Bernstein, played by Dustin Hoffman (The Graduate, Rain Man), who uncover a conspiracy which revealed the attempted sabotage of the political opponents of then president, Richard Nixon.

Based on actual events, the film does follow the timeline of Woodward and Bernstein’s attempts to answer the question of what was happening at Watergate, and how far up did all of this go.

The events of the film start from the initial Watergate break-in, all the way to the revelation of Nixon’s administration, and their corruption, which eventually leads to Nixon himself.

Aided by a mysterious informant, code-named: Deep Throat, played by Hal Holbrook (Fletch Lives, Wall Street), they’re told to “Follow the money,” and investigate what really was going on at the White House.

Having been filmed almost 35 years ago, the quality of the cinematography doesn’t really stand up by today’s standards, but the story, and its relevance is still significant.

Robert Redford is probably at his best in the film, cementing him as one of that generation’s greatest actors. The cast is superb, specifically Jason Robards, who won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Washington Post Editor Ben Bradlee.

The film is very dated, even after restoration/mastering to DVD, however it is a good film to watch, especially if you’re interested in journalism, or investigative reporting. You can probably purchase a copy for less than $10 most anywhere, or rent it at Blockbuster or your local video store.

I do recommend that you check it out at some time, however you do have to remain objective while watching it, as the fact that it’s very dated may dissuade you from actually enjoying it.

I give All the President’s Men 6 out of 10.

Review: UHF

21 years ago, a film was released in theaters, and the world, as we know it was changed forever.

That movie was UHF.

Staring and written by the incomparable “Weird Al” Yankovic, UHF features a glimpse into what goes on in the mind of the world’s greatest accordion player.

Yankovic plays George Newman. A man whose imagination affects his ability to hold down a job, but when his Uncle Harvey wins a UHF station in a Poker game, and at the behest of Harvey’s wife, George is given control of the station, Channel 62. Aided by his best friend Bob, played by David Bowe (A Few Good Men, The Rock)

After trying his hardest to run things, the station is in debt, and the workload is getting to him, George has a breakdown on the set of “Uncle Nutzy’s Clubhouse” and leaves hosting duties to Stanley Spadowski, the station’s janitor, played my Michael Richards (Seinfeld), so that George can get a drink at a bar. By the time they reach the bar, Stanley has turned the show into a hit.

The new show Stanley Spadowski’s Clubhouse becomes an instant hit, and becomes the flagship show of the station. The popularity of Channel 62 starts to grow, much to the chagrin of the Network affiliate, and its seedy owner, R.J. Fletcher, played by Kevin McCarthy (Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Looney Tunes: Back in Action).

The film itself was made for a paltry $5 million, and although it managed to make more than its budget, the film was not considered a success. The release of the film, co-incited with a number of releases at the same time, such as Batman, Lethal Weapon 2 and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. In addition, Orion, the film’s distributor was going bankrupt at the time. The film has received a “Cult Status” among fans.

Yankovic’s influence is apparent throughout the film. The characters are very likable, and it’s amazing, given when it was released that it pre-dates the success of both Michael Richards, as well as Fran Drescher (The Nanny, Beautician and the Beast).

The film was a collector’s item for a while, since there was no one to distribute it, while it was on VHS, and even during the early days of DVD. MGM purchased the rights to it, and released it on DVD in 2002, nowadays, you could probably find it in a bargain bin somewhere like Wal-Mart, or at least get it for less than $10.

The film is one of my personal favorites of all time, and I would go as far to say that it is in my top 10 favorite films. Sure, the film is a little dated, but many of the films of the 1980s are.

I give UHF 10 out of 10.

Review: From Paris With Love

John Travolta is back. And this time, he's bald?

That's right. A hairless Travolta stars in "From Paris with Love". The latest offering from director Pierre Morel (Taken).

Co-starring Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (The Tudors, Mission: Impossible III) as James Reece, a low level CIA operative in Paris, his life gets turned upside down when he gets partnered with with special agent, Charlie Wax (Travolta).
In typical "Lethal Weapon" fashion, Reece and Wax take on an entire drug and terror network by themselves. Reece being the sensible one, and Wax, the loose cannon, willing to do anything it takes to get the job done.

The movie itself is an action lover's delight, featuring a lot of things blowing up, in addition to a lot of great fight scenes. Travolta, himself is great as Wax, who for the first time, you really get to see him bust some heads, unlike other action fare of his in the past. His wisecracking abilty and comedic timing being put to good use as well.

The only weak point of the film would be Jonathan Rhys-Meyers himself, who next to Travolta, looked more like a deer caught in the headlights. It was almost like he didn't know what type of movie this was going to be going in, and he was overwhelmed during production. Approaching the end of the film, his character grows a bit of a backbone, so you start to like him, so it could be just the way Rhys-Meyers was playing Reece, or his finally being comfortable during filming.

A sequel to this movie is not without question, as it was left open to one, and of course that will all be up to ticket sales. That all depends on how long people are going to continue to see Avatar, which seems to be an unstoppable juggernaut at the box office.

Written and produced by Luc Besson (The Transporter Films, Taken), From Paris delivers exactly what you would expect from his past films, which is non-stop action, a lot of gun fire and some really well done fight scenes. So if you're into that sort of non-stop action thrill ride, then From Paris with Love is a movie that I would highly recommend.

I give From Paris with Love 7 out of 10 stars.

By Forch F. Fortier

Retroactive Imaginarium: Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

In my tireless efforts to make this site even more entertaining, I have been working with a few ideas that might lend some more Originality to it, or at least some more entertaining reading. So with that being said, I have decided to incorporate my geekness, with my love for film and come up with a segment that I have entitled RETROACTIVE IMAGINARIUM...

What the hell is that, you ask???

Well it's the "Forch" way of giving you an "In case you missed it the first time"-inspired segment. One where I may give you, the reader, the chance to check out something (Usually a movie, or TV show) that you may have overlooked in the past. It gives me something to write about, and hopefully make you a fan in the process.

On this week's Retroactive Imaginarium we take a look at my second favorite movie of all time (The First being Back to the Future): Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie......

"Mystery Science Theater 3000" (Or MST3K, as it's referred to by fans) was a "Cult" TV show that aired in the US between 1989 and 1999. Created by Joel Hodgson (Super Genius!), the series featured Joel (as Joel Robinson, later to be replaced by Head Writer, Mike Nelson) and his Robot Sidekicks who were shot into space by the evil Dr. Clayton Forrester (Portrayed Brilliantly by Trace Bealieu) and forced to watch the worst films ever made. The premise was that you (As well as Joel and Mike) were there as part of an experiment to find the worst movie ever made, which would then crush your soul, so that Dr. Forrester could unleash it on the public and take over the world (Or at least that is what he says at the beginning of MST3K the movie!)

So you're watching the movie with Mike (in this case, for MST3K:The Movie) and his bots: Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. The movie in question for this auspicious occasion? 1955's Sci-Fi Classic (And I use "Classic" loosely) This Island Earth (Can be yours! If the Price is right!) . So while the movie is going on, Mike and the bots are wisecracking on the film, and that is where the hilarity ensues.

The movie itself (This Island Earth), like many of the movies used in the series, are just unwatchable chunks of garbage (See: Manos: The Hands of Fate, Right, Claye?) but once you throw the MST3K crew into that film, it becomes a classic! MST3K: The Movie is no exception. It plays out just like one of the episodes of the show, with the exception that the sets were a little better constructed, and you got to see more of the ship (Aptly named: The Satellite of Love) than just the bridge.

The movie itself, which was released in 1996 (Through Gramercy Pictures/Universal) is a little dated, as some of the jokes are very pertinent for that era (Like it was THAT long ago!) but there are multiple references to The Hubble Space Telescope, as well as "The Kingdome" (Former home of the Seattle Mariners).

As I mentioned earlier, that MST3K: The Movie is my second all-time favorite movie, and with good reason. It's hilarious. It was the catalyst that got me into MST3K to begin with (That, and Claye Hodge, fellow TNTM'er) and from there I was able to get into the series itself, thanks to Rhino Home Video releases (And Claye sending me some tapes)

Just to show the "Cult" status of MST3K, and the movie, in particular. When the original DVD was printed, it was so rare, that used copies of it were going for in excess of $100 on eBay, because they were that sought after. Another nod to the series, would be in the film "The 40-Year Old Virgin". If you notice in Andy's bedroom at the very beginning of the film a poster of MST3K:The Movie is hanging on the wall.


Funny story about that poster, too. At that moment in the movie, which is at the very beginning of the film, my (now ex) wife had noticed the poster, which I had as well, at the time, hanging in the bathroom of our apartment, and looked at me and said: "Oh my God, you're the 40 Year old Virgin!". It would be so true, except for the fact that we have a daughter together!

In this particular segment, there are going to be no "Ratings" for films, because these are movies or shows that I feel you should watch, for whatever reason I give. In the case of this film? I feel that you should watch this movie, if you're a fan of pop-culture gags, or better yet, if you're the type that likes to make fun of really bad movies, then I suggest that you check out Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie.


By: Forch F. Fortier (Who, after 10 years, wishes that the MST3K crew would still bring back the show, I know they have "RiffTrax", but nothing would make me happier to see the bots themselves on my TV again. But for now I'll settle down, and watch "Space Mutiny" and relax.... "Calgon.... Blow me away..."

DVD Review: "Star Trek"

In my opinion, the most anticipated movie of 2009 would be "Star Trek". When I read that they were going to reboot the world of Star Trek, I, like many of my fellow geeks probably felt very ambivalent about it. I was worried, and excited about the idea about it, and even with J.J. Abrams at the helm, I still had my concerns. Afterall, he did make "Mission: Impossible III".

So May 2009 came, and so did Star Trek, and I was relieved and elated at what I saw on the screen. The performances were respectful and not "over the top" caricatures of the performances of the original cast. And there was the "Salute" to those who came before them, including Leonard Nimoy (Spock) into the storyline, which when everything ends, you're left with an entirely new "Trek" with the same characters. So ground that may have been touched on before, can be done so again, but in a completely different way, because of the way their futures have now been altered.

So when I saw the movie, I gave it 9.75 out of a possible 10 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. I'd have given it perfect, but I couldn't do it. There was something missing, and what that missing thing was? Shatner. William Shatner would have been the one thing to make that movie perfect. He is Star Trek. More so than Gene Roddenberry. (Let the flame-war begin!)

So today, the DVD was released, and I was left with a predicament. Do I get the 1-disc or the 2-disc? Of course the Special Features and the Digital Copy won me over, so I opted to pay the extra $10 and get the 2-disc.

And am I ever glad that I did.

Within that second disc, there is so much to be had in way of those special features. I know a lot of people don't watch them, but I feel that they give us a different perspective on the movie itself, which adds to the finished product. And Star Trek is no exception.

I'm not going to go on and on about it, all I am going to say is that if you're a fan of Star Trek, then you need to get this DVD, 1-disc or 2-disc, it is an essential film for any Trek fan.


"Star Trek" (XI, I guess you can call it #11) the DVD gets an 8 1/2 Grilled Cheese out of 10. The Movie is great. The Disc could have been packed with a bit more extras, but it's definitely a worthwhile buy.








By: Forch F. Fortier (who still laughs at the fact that Simon Pegg is in an "Odd-numbered" Star Trek film, when his first big character, Tim Bisley (A Character he created) said on "Spaced" that every odd Star Trek movie is shit! Simon Pegg ate those words, didn't he?)

Video Game Review: New Super Mario Bros. Wii

Oh, how I long for the days of my youth, where I would lounge all day in the basement and just play video games that gave me a sense of accomplishment, and let me feel alive! Forget all of that fresh air-crap! I long for the Late-Eighties, where 8-bit pixelated characters in overalls jumped on mushroom looking things and turtles... Oh, how I long for the days of Mario.

Mario has never really left us, because the fine people at Nintendo come out with a new Mario game every year (Or sooner) and today, yet another Mario game came out, but within it, comes a very similar and familiar feeling. Yes, "New Super Mario Bros. Wii" has come out, and let me tell you, I feel like I am 12 years old again (Although if you ask my father, I am still about as mature as I was at 12).


Not much has changed for our favorite plumber, and his fantasy lifestyle. Princess gets kidnapped by Bowser (Yet, again) and Mario (as well as his Brother, Luigi and his friends, Yellow Toad and Blue Toad) are dispatched to obliterate his forces and restore peace and prosperity to the Mushroom Kingdom.

The gameplay is a lot like the Original NES Classic, but of course with 22 years of improved graphics. The game is everything that you would expect from an old classic. Even the Koopa Kids from the Classic: Super Mario 3 are in the game as bosses! The levels are laid out a lot like SM3, and there's a lot of familiarity to the game for anyone who's played the NES Mario games.


Power-ups have improved greatly. (I love the Helicopter suit) I also like the addition of the POW Block as a useful item in the game (Oh, Super Mario 2, how I miss you!) Yoshi's back, and even the classic "Dying Sound effect" is here for everyone to enjoy!

For the last 2 hours, I have been playing the game, and I love it! I enjoy it thoroughly. I like the graphics, I like the fact that you use the "Wii-mote" as a controller, and it even has "NES" feel to it. You can play with the nunchuk, but I prefer the controller feel to it.


I would have to say that out of a possible 10 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, I give "New Super Mario Bros. Wii" a total of 9 and a Quarter Sandwiches. It's just about as fun of a Mario game you can get (With the Exception of "Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door" for the Gamecube.)









By Forch F. Fortier (Who reminds his brother, Joel (Who will never, ever read this) that level 4-2 of the Original "Super Mario Bros." will always be the "Keanu Reeves" level.)

Video Game Review: Lego Rock Band

The "Guitar Game" phenomenon continues, and I, for one could not be happier! Why, you ask? Because not only do I love to rock, but I ROCK! Well at least when it comes to guitar games (On medium, I am 5-button retarded!) I can't seem to get enough, so of course now that "Lego Rock Band" is out, I am swimming in a pool of Rock, once more!

Now, I am personally of the opinion that "Rock Band" is the superior game to "Guitar Hero" and I know that there are people who are going to disagree with me, but I am sorry, I think that the quality of music alone is enough to get me playing "Rock Band" before any other.


"Lego Rock Band" is exactly what it sounds like. The "Rock Band" you know and love, with the toy that kids of all ages love: "Lego". Like the Lego games before it, there's a broad appeal to it for persons of all ages. The games is not like any of the other Rock Band games before it, with the exception that you play as adorable little Lego People!

MTV Games has put a pretty-decent assortment of music to it, most of all the one reason I bought the game: "The Final Countdown" by Europe (10 points to the first person to tell me why I love this song so much!) but it's put a lot of songs that are not already in the Rock Band series, so at least while the gameplay isn't much different, at least the content is.


The Career mode is what I like best of all, because it's not the same "World Tour" styled like we last saw in Rock Band 2, it has similar elements, however each "Level" has a sort-of bonus stage, where you have to use the "Power of Rock" to help accomplish a task, like knocking down a building, or scaring the ghosts out of a haunted house! (Which the music fit perfectly for that task: Ghostbusters, by Ray Parker, Jr., the very song that defiled my very beloved "Huey Lewis and the News", but I still love the song anyway.)

I also like the fact that the notes on the screen look like little lego pieces, which adds to the game, however at first it was quite confusing.


The one real sore spot that I have toward the game, is that I have a ton of DLC-songs from Rock Band 2, which I would love to see be made available for Transfer to play on Lego Rock Band, however it doesn't even look like it is DLC-enabled (At least for the Wii, it may be different on PS3/XBox360), which did upset me because it would have been nice to play some of those songs in Lego-form.

I have not yet played the game all the way through (I just got it a couple of hours ago) but I have to admit that I enjoy it greatly, and look forward to more game play of it later on this evening, and I will be playing it non-stop until I (Of course) get Super Mario Bros Wii tomorrow (Which I will review at that time)

Out of a Possible 10 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches, "Lego Rock Band" gets a 7, only because of the DLC issue, if that were resolved, I would give it a much higher score.


By Forch F. Fortier (Who is wishing upon a star for "Huey Lewis and the News Rock Band", but can not figure out for the life of me why MTV Games can't get it done! I mean they're icons of the 1980's and they've had enough hits, right? Well, ok fine, not enough to warrant a full game, but at least put together an 80's rock collection with them in it, pretty please???)