Coming Soon: To a console near you!!!

Well I suppose its time to do the job that Forch hired me for, and actually write something about specific video games, and damnit, that's what I'll do.

Just like any true gamer I'm constantly cross-eyed, one eye staring into the past, maintaining my amorous relationship with sparkling golden nuggets, the other instead focused keenly on the horizon. I did my usual "Look to the future sort of thing today, and dredged up some very sexy tidbits, realizing the games I had been watching and put onto the back burners of my awareness are approaching faster than a monster in a horror movie after any female character has taken her tits out.

The first game I want to touch on is Dante's Inferno, or the working title of Gates of Hell. This game brought to you by EA (VOMIT), actually has a surprising chunk of promise in it for the adult gamer. It's based loosely around Alighieri's poem, the Divine Comedy, and attempts to carry the theme of a gentleman by the name of Dante, a crusader by trade, who comes home from killing all the filthy non-Catholics of the world to find his beloved Beatrice being dragged into hell by the Reaper. Dante being the kind of dopey idiot you'd have to be to actually WILLING go on crusades, jumps balls first into the fire to chase down this woman and free her from the grips of Lucifer himself.

Judging by the look of the game so far, which is gorgeous for an EA game (in a manner so perverse, I've had to pause and rewind videos just to scratch my head and touch myself in wonder), Dante looks much like your A-typical medieval warrior, aside from carrying a big ass scythe constructed of human bones, probably heathen and combat looks to be a hybrid of Zasalamel from Soul Calibur and Kratos from God of War, without of course the button mashing or quick time events, respectively.

The game seems to roll through the nine circles of hell, which I'm not going to list off, just read the damned book yourself. Each is twistedly rendered in a fashion specifically to focus on its theme but to pervert it in such a way that you'll never quite look at your assorted misdeeds again. Lust was particularly insightful, when the boss of the chapter, a giant naked monster Cleopatra who spawns little demon children that shoot out of her nipples (that's not a joke btw), which I know crosses into my whacking thoughts on a daily basis. It made me think that the people at EA really aren't sure where babies come from, once again begging the question, are the people that run that company really that stupid? They can build a monolithic tower that looks like a cock, but nope, babies still come from boobies.

Anyways, I'm straying. The game does look fun and playable and with a February 9th, 2010 release date, EA has bent themselves and their console of choice over and pissed right past the Christmas releases.


Now taking the obvious bait of MENTIONING God of War, I was going to talk about God of War 3, which is the fifth installment in the series, for those of us who can count, which features the ultimate Mr. Grumpy-pants carrying on his petty war with silly gods, backed by the aid of the titans, which actually makes up one of the best stress relieving games I have ever played, but why? It'll be just as good and gory as the previous home console titles (the portables were a bit iffy) and I'll actually review it instead of thinking how good it could be. Gaming erection to follow in February, if all goes according to plan.


Now for the Christmas releases (which I know its mid-way through November) there are bound to be some shineys. Just like with the movie industry, gaming companies have also determined the best time to shatt out the best (though not for long thanks to X-Box).

Dangling on a much closer ledge then February, and looking as good as its predecessor is Assassin's Creed II, which releases next week (17th here, 19th in Europe) has the feel of the first, you know soft science, historical inaccuracies, runny, jumpy, climby, stabby, and what looks to be the start of steam power or early rotational motion technology, rather than a boring old horse and a finger blade which extends rather erotically, by flexing your wrists.

Our new protagonist, Ezio Auditore da Firenze, is contemporary of Leonardo Da Vinci, in some way or another (lets hope they're "Just Friends") and instead of being
set in the stuffy holy land, this game lets you travel between Venice, Rome, Florence and the Tuscan country side. The game has the feel of a mafia war, 500 years ago. Ezio's father and brothers, who are all secretly assassins, are murdered and its up to our hero, to find the pricks responsible, and poke them repeatedly with sharp things, while protecting his dear mother and sister. Instead of being on top of a gigantic bloody mountain, the home base area is actually a villa, which comes complete with slaves, churches, shops and even a brothel. Apparently, the family has come a long way since, getting wise and getting the hell out of Masyaf, and it shows. They now have taxpayers.

Like the the first game, there'll be plenty of things to do, people to leap at, dry hump and kill, and all sorts of environments to climb all over. And like the original, its all a semi-religious war plot that's ACTUALLY taking place in 2012, by the modern day Templar (the Abstergo Corporation) and focusing on the pissass genetic memories of a parkour enthusiast bartender, which means, no death, just getting desynchronized from the big machine that reads the memories programed into your DNA ... /shrug.

It looks as fun as the first one, which is nice, because in a world where games that aren't released on the Wii, looking like some various post apocalyptic world, this one has COLOURS!!! And that's nice sometimes. And c'mon ... there are so few non-Wii titles that are designed with the thoughts of fun in mind.


And finally, I know its only tangentially games related, but I actually got around to watching the trailer for the newest Jerry Bruckheimer/Disney cash
grab, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and I'm seriously praying that its at least 1% as good as that game was. From what I saw in the trailer, the prince looks well cast, and can evolve into the later incarnations from the series quite easily, but at this point he looks and sounds as light hearted as he should in TSOT. His female counter-part in the film appears much as you'd picture her, embodying the frail/strong duality that all heroines possess, and combined well with a very earthy beauty. Lots of fire, tonnes of action and like any Bruckheimer film, stuffed full of eyesocket-fucking special effects.
Check out this shit!!!












But that's what I gots for today, so until next time, this is Major Martin saying, keep fit and have fun. No wait ... fuck fitness, keep snacking?? No, that doesn't work either. Ahh screw the whole thing.