Review: 2012

After seeing "2012", I have to just come out and say that I honestly believe that Roland Emmerich wants the human race to be extinct. The idea of the "End of the world" has been played in a number of films, in fact, Emmerich has already made two before ("Independence Day", and "The Day After Tomorrow") and who can forget the "benchmark" (Shudder) of all disaster movies, from my favorite (shudderx2) director, Michael (I'm going to be sick.) Bay.

My Friday was filled (as the theater was packed, many others' Friday was as well) with the action-packed, special effects laden bonanza that is "2012". I was blessed with the good fortune to have company on this occasion (Thanks, Kris! You rock dude!) so I didn't look like one of those "Kinds" (That being said, it was "This Time" that I didn't!)


The movie stars John Cusack (Better Off Dead, Con-Air, Grosse Point Blank) as "John Cusack", I mean Jackson Curtis, a writer, who has managed to publish a book that has sold less than 500 copies. His estranged Wife, Kate (Amanda Peet, Saving Silverman, Whipped, The Whole Nine Yards)and their 2 children live with Gordon (Tom McCarthy, writer of the Disney/Pixar opus, Up), a successful plastic surgeon. Jackson and his kids unravel the Government's cover up while vacationing at Yellowstone, and meeting up with crazy redneck, Woody Harrelson who reveals the half-baked conspiracy to Jackson, and thus this half of the plot is revealed....


The other side of the story (As Emmerich generally has 2-4 stories of different levels inside his movies. Ahem. Formulaic!) involves Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor: Kinky Boots, Serenity) a scientist, who with the help of a bunch of scientists in India, as well as Doctor Phlox, I mean Professor West (John Billingsley, Doctor Phlox on Star Trek: Enterprise), discover that the Earth's core is being superheated by "Nutrinos" which are causing the plates in the planet to shift, which inevitably will lead to Earth's destruction in 3 years (in 2012)

So Helmsley get the "We need to prepare" ball rolling so he gets Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt, in his most dickish role to date!), and President Thomas Wilson (Danny "I'm Too Old For This Shit!" Glover) to get the rest of the world informed of its impending doom. The G-8 nations get themselves together and start an "Ark" project in China, so that the species is not eradicated.


So the two main stories are played out simultaneously and while they're playing out, we (I mean the human race) are all wiped out over a 24-48 hour span, where you get to watch landmasses just swallowed into the earth, giant tsunamis and of course shit falling on top of people.

As awesome as the special effects were (And they were pretty awesome) the fact remains that even the least compassionate person can just feel awful in the pit of their stomach that shown on the big screen for nearly 5/6 of this three-hour spectacle, just virtually every living thing dying. I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying that, because if this were possible, I could not fathom how anyone would actually like this.

But, as it is a movie, and not life itself, this sort of thing can't really happen, can it? Who knows? I have a feeling that something like Swine Flu, Mad Cow Disease, or my personal favorite "The Cup-a-soup" plague will kill us all. I did enjoy the movie, and it looks like a lot of other people in there did as well, and like any Hollywood movie (Other than a big opening weekend and money, the root of all evil) isn't that the most important thing? That the audience enjoys the film???

I give "2012": 7 1/2 Grilled Cheese sandwiches out of 10, for being a film that I left "Entertained". If you like movies like Emmerich's past films: "Independence Day" and "The Day After Tomorrow" you will surely enjoy this one. Just make sure you have something to drink or eat, because it's a long film.


By Forch F. Fortier. (Who reminds you that his prediction of the end of the world will take place on June 31st, 2026. A Day that doesn't even exist, because June only has 30 days, but knowing the way death works, it's not going to stop death at all! So get to livin' while living is good, because Danny Glover can't save you now!)